Once Was Quirky, Twice is Abuse

The first time I saw this family I felt the freedom and whimsy blowing through their hair like a breeze cutting through a city alley, picking up hints of booze and urine and whipping them into a festive aroma. However,seeing their honest commitment to the look terrifies my soul on behalf of the young one. At least orphanages have barbers and baseball caps.

Live in the Moment

What a fascinating snapshot of pride and excitement. This Jazz dancer's entire world of cares and concerns stretches no further than her leotard. Yet far in her future, this picture will resurface as a horrible embarrassment. The moment unchanged, but the worldview vastly different. Yes, smile while you can.

Can't See Me Can You?

You can? How? I planned this outfit and the paint perfectly. Unfortunately my horrible body betrayed the integrity of my camoflage. It's not the first time this horrible body has betrayed me, and it likely won't be the last.

Okay, Now I See Your Perfect Strike Form

When you were wearing sweatpants and a XXXL Jets jersey, I couldn't tell what you were talking about. But now I can see that leg kick you mentioned as well as the perfect line from your release hand, through your torso, and then "flaming out your ass" for a perfect steeeeerrrike!

Suck it NASA

Billionaire space enthusiast, Guy Trowbridge, walks on the surface of Mars. After numerous rejections of his ideas by the space exploration establishment, he independently funded his voyage to collect rock samples and enslave any native Martian species he finds.

It's Not a Typo Dude

See this turtle? It's hand carved, but not from ordinary stone. I use an industrial press to compact feces and then bake it rock hard. Then I carve out the turtle that's hidden inside. The material is a dream to work with and you get amazing color variations when you polish the final product. Hey, Warhol did piss art.

I Told You, My Wife's on a Trip to Belize

Honestly, I just got back from a business trip in San Antonio and my wife's traveling with some old sorority friends. I don't smell anything, just the natural aroma of this secluded acre of my land. They're not going to find anything. I mean, there's nothing TO find.

Ice Fishing - The Hard Way

Arthur Templeton, refuses to drift quietly toward his passing, isolated in an ice fishing hut. "Hello Neighbors!" he cries as he steadies his fishin' axe above a handsome trout, waiting for the right moment to strike. "'Tis cold for sure, but it gets my blood pumpin'!"

Squash is the Sweetest Kill

When "Tiger" my hunting cat and I stalk my neighbor's garden, we enter a state of prolonged ecstasy. Man and cat become one, focused on the prey. He creeps in silently to locate the choicest fruit on the vine, then with a slow squeeze of the trigger... my trophy lies ready for the taking.

Whose Safety Bar is Up?

Hurry up and take the picture. I need to keep my eye on the baby.
Oh dammit!
Well you have to take her to the ER. They'll think a dude like me was beating her.

No Matter What I Do, I Look Like a Fat Girl

It's this adorable little pixie nose I have. Girls are always like "Oh god, you have the cutest nose, it's so unfair! I wish I had a nose like yours." Well, I wish they had it too and I had a big 'ol honker like Jamie Farr. Nothing distracts from this girl nose; not sideburns, a goattee or even manly bangs.

Clown? or Pedophile?

You see Amber, while Clowns are almost always creepy and annoying, they aren't always pedophiles. The key to telling the difference is the makeup. Someone committed to the craft of clowning will wear it. Notice he's not wearing any and his costume took no effort; he's going to molest us.

I Can Go to Church and Look Hot? Nice.

I'm making a leap of faith in assuming that "Ah Men" is a clothing brand for religiously focused dudes who want to look hot and trendy while scoping for smoking chicks at the Communion rail. This is my body... in snug fitting polyester. Take. Eat. Ah Men.

Too Good for Their Own Good

The more you focus on having a pure moral character, the less you are likely to understand about the greater world around you. This is why the pure and perfect, like the Faith Tones here, should hire a corruption consultant. One who would have caught that their album title invites Jesus to wipe it off on their skirt and kick them out of the car in the middle of nowhere.

Russian Roulette Freestyle Competition

Aw fuck, he's going completely gonzo here folks. He's dropped the pistol and is going to make an attempt with a power drill! I've never seen this before, but this is CERTAIN DEATH! Holy crap what a day! This crowd is almost as insane as he is!!!

The Guy in Yellow has a Huge Boner. Look. Closer.

"Nice rod Larry!" Exclaimed Aunt Buzzie.
I'm not sure how society tolerated short shorts, particularly mens'. During their hey day, I was too young to be fully aware of their shortcomings in relation to anatomy, but holy crap they're dangerous. It doesn't take much chub to be visible or even slip out the leg.

Ho Ho Ho, Get OFF!

I swear to god, the sanctity of the Mall Santa Claus is under constant assault from the jaded entertainment industry and no-account websites. "Sketchy Santas?" How about sketchy grown dudes who want to sit on my lap. If I don't let this freak take this picture, I'll get canned. You think it's easy for a guy who looks like Santa to find a job? Hell no. Everyone says, "You look like Santa" and then my credibility is shot. 

This Aint "The Jungle" Baby

This was the last straw for young Axlerod. When the family left the portrait studio he slipped away and went down to the bus depot. "One way ticket to Paradise City, please."
And by the time he had arrived, he had penned the greatest rock autobiography the world has ever heard.

Oh, This is Looking Real Good

Okay, keep still, there's just a little more skin left. This is looking really good Barry, reeeeally good. Okay, you're going to have to give me at least 10 minutes of on-field distraction, so I can rob the concession stand and make off with the loot before Security's able to respond.

Retirement's a Bitch

Having been defeated once and for all by the Sandman, Peter Parker knew he was too old to continue as a web-slinging super hero. The Daily Bugle published a scathing story that painted his entire career as a failure. Without crime fighting to occupy his time and no endorsement deals coming his way, he was forced to work in a city parking lot. "Welcome to Spidey's 24-7 Parking, dere's more spaces in the back."

The James Dean of Erotic Gunplay

Our hero Randy had long given up on a 9-5 existence. His inability to concentrate on assignments due to untreated ADD and distrust for authority instilled in him by his father's abandonment, led to his eventual firing from every job he's ever held. With no mainstream options available, Randy has dedicated himself to making it big by harnessing his passions for erotica and weaponry. These two industries combine for over $200 Billion in revenue each year, world wide... and Randy is on the cusp of becoming the poster boy.

It's About Priorities Playa

I ride a bike and I'm cool with that. I can't afford a car, but I'm not going to let that keep me from rolling like a motha' fuckin G; stereo blaring, riding low to the ground. People need to hear my shit coming from 5 blocks away so they can stop what they're doing and get ready to pay tribute. I might get a car one day, but it don't matter, either way everyone will know me as "Bass Boomin Ravi." And that's what's important.

Dammit, Wrong Size

I wish I could go into the store and try on bras and panties like anyone else. But noooo, men aren't allowed. Well then where are the male lingerie stores then? Anyhow, I'm stuck ordering online and I can never get the right size. This top is waaay to big for my bust, and these panties are squeezing the shit out of me. I feel persecuted. Nothing ever fits; just like me in a heartless society.

Damn Paparazzi!

I represent the Lollipop Guild for 30 seconds on what should have been a forgotten movie about some dumb bitch getting hit on the head and hallucinating for 90 minutes. Then it becomes a cinema classic and I can't go anywhere. I wouldn't mind if I had gotten paid better, but the royalties paid to "Oz Midget #3" don't amount to dick. "Hey, get that camera out of my face you whores!" I need a better disguise.

And For My Next Trick...

I, the great Scrawndini shall amaze and terrify you with my next trick. Balancing this flaming torch upon my nose, I shall tight rope walk from the shoulders of my lovely assistant Gwendolyn, to my not-so-lovely assistant Keith. I will warn you, the results of this attempt may be gruesome, for Keith is newly hired to replace Rebecca who is currently in the ICU with a broken neck and horrible torch fuel burns.

What? It's Still Just a Kitty

I used to have a lot of cats, all with their own personalities. They provided me hours of entertainment in an otherwise lonely existence. Then I got Mr. Specklestein here from a craigslist posting. He was just a wee kitty bitty then, but he kept growing and started pwaying too wuff wif the other kitty cats! Anyhow, he's all I've got now, and he's my whole world... since he attacks my house guests too. Such a sweet, sweet kitty, yes you are.

What the Wife Don't Know, Won't Kill Her

If the wife were here I'd have to wait for a cab and waste all the money I plan to spend at the track. But since she's out with her mother, I can handle things my way. "Woah dude, slow down on the potholes!" Anyhow, I'm zipping through town, for free, and the kid freaking loves this. Besides, none of the warning labels on this stroller say I CAN'T drag it behind a motorbike.

The Four of Us Make a Better Picture Anyhow



That girl has never been anything but trouble. Ever since Amber and I got together, she's whined, "You're not my real Daddy!" Well, guess what, you're not my daughter either. The boys and I have been pushing her out since day one. Now that she's out of the frame, a little photo cropping, and then voila, she knows where she stands. Hey, your Dad left, so maybe you want to be more respectful to the new guy putting up with your crap.



This is My Newest Ren-Fest Costume

My first costume was a knight, but holy crap the armor was hot and uncomfortable; it made the day at the fair unbearable. Then I went as a warlock, but I added too much glitter to my cloak and it hung weirdly around my shoulders, so with my long hair people kept thinking I was a princess. So I spent all winter putting together this Centaur outfit...
"Hey, you're a horse's ass"
Fuck.

Do As I Say, Not As I Do

So, when the bird flared his talons at me like this, I tossed the mouse. I thought he would take flight and snatch the carcass out of the air, so I could get a stunning in-flight shot. Instead, he lunged for my hand since it smelled like mouse. I moved my hand away quickly, but he kept after me, nearly severing my jugular with his razor sharp beak. Now I'm a professional,  and I almost died. So don't you try this.

Moments Before His Agent Called With The James Bond Part...

Moments before his agent called with the good news that he landed the lead role in some spy movie, Sean Connery was taking test shots for his backup role "Artigan - Mars Commando". Both were promising parts for the rising hollywood hunk, but the Bond movie had a bigger budget, a much more polished script, and set him in several steamy scenes with attractive women. "Artigan", filmed outside Indio, had him wandering a cheesy space-scape by himself with a masturbation scene meant to garner publicity for the low budget Sci-Fi think piece.

Are You Willing to Risk It?

Super intelligent alien races have been monitoring human activities since the 1930s. The rise of the Nazis and World War II was actually an attempt by extraterrestrial invaders to gain a foothold on earth and enslave the human race. The next attempt is imminent and this time they'll use our wireless communication infrastructure against us. I've protected myself from mind transfer, are you willing to risk your life on the assumption I'm wrong?

I'm Michael Felch and He's Boss Hog

I know the Summer Olympics were in 2008, but I really wanted to be something sexy for Halloween and my heart told me to wear nothing but a speedo. Besides, every time someone comments on me being Michael Phelps and that my costume is played out, I correct them and say, "No, FELCH, I'm Michael Felch". That's how I met this upstanding officer here. Now if you excuse us, he's going to pat me down to see if I'm smuggling anything... I am.

Hawaiian Christmas, Eat Your Hearts Out

Yep, flew the family out to the Big Island for the holidays. I wanted them to have a memorable Christmas, but moreso I wanted show everyone how successful I've been this year. Money to burn, that's where I'm at. My sales led the team, and my investments all turned profits. Now the icing on the cake, a decadent vacation and a family photo to drool over. I just hope they let us into the luau.

Feel Free To Say No, But I Have to Ask...

Oh my gosh, Benjamin totally wins the cutest baby in the world prize in my book. He is just darling! Now, feel free to say no, but I have to ask, may I sacrifice him? He would just be perfect on my altar and I know he would be the star of the ceremony. I've looked at several babies for this event, and none of them have his spark. I can pay you too; a little now, and then the rest in installments as The Coven grows and I can collect dues.

I Call This Pose "I'm Running Late"

So I cock my wrist just so, and it looks like I'm checking my watch because I'm very busy and have something important on my schedule. Maybe I need to meet a client at the gym, maybe I have a salon appointment, or maybe I've got to make a coke deal. Whatever it is, I've enhanced my overall party boy look with professionalism and responsibility.

I'm Arthur and I'm Fine

My plaque would read "Young Man with Parasol and Fan". I'd be shared among the finest museums in the world, where the educated classes would come to marvel at the details of my face and the stunning proportions of my form. They'd stare for hours, entranced. My elegance would make them reflect upon the shortcomings of their own lives; I'd bring grown men to tears with my unwavering perfection. Then I'd leap off this pedestal and shout "BOO!"

I Used To Have a Pickup

It's ironic that after getting rid of my pickup for this 4-door, that I would become homeless and desperately need that pickup again. At the time I thought, "I never use this thing as a truck, it's a waste." So I traded it in at CarMax for something I thought was cuter. It's not so cute now though is it? I guess you can't predict the future, else I wouldn't have started using crack and stealing from work.

Well This is Just Disgusting

At Captionista we've analyzed dozens of pictures of off the wall humanity, perversions, and creeps frozen in the midst of unsettling acts. However, this is the absolute worst. The natural smiles, the willingness to pile atop each other on a too-small couch in family harmony, it's vomit inducing. The sick and twisted nature of this family, to put on such a show of normalcy, and photograph it, thumbing their noses at the stewards of crime and punishment, as they hide the body in plain sight. I'm pretty sure the one with glasses did it.

Brothers to the Core

This is my foster brother Jake. His parents were really messed up and couldn't take care of him, so when he was 12, my mom took him in and we've been brothers ever since. I know he looks a little scary and he's into some pretty intense shit, but that's not his fault, its from his horrible early childhood. He's always had my back though, and I'd literally kill to protect him. I'm going to burn that Christmas sweater of his tonight though, along with his bibles and his scrapbooking crap. It's intervention time, he's breaking our hearts.

Sigh, If Only That Were Nectar

I may be a beautiful and delicate insect, sought after by entomologists and 10 year old girls alike, but I lead a tough existence. I long for the caterpillar days once again, when I was tiny and food was abundant. Unfortunately, when in chrysalis, I developed a thyroid condition that ballooned me to these proportions, and fueling this body on the nectar of fresh flowers is nearly impossible. I get by on fountain sodas, but I yearn for a full drink of satisfying nectar.

A Lady Needs Help! Anyone?

You put on a power suit and all of a sudden chivalry disappears. What the hell? Doesn't anyone see I'm struggling with this 5 ft ear of corn? It's unweildy, I'm in heels and I'm late. If I'd known I'd end up like this, I wouldn't have gotten my MBA. It was supposed to be all private jets and Kettle One Cosmos. But no, I get the Birds Eye account and here I'm carrying giant vegetables around looking like an ass. Seriously, I need help, I'm a girl!

Someone Will Wash Me, I'm Certain

If I stay here, looking sexy like this, eventually someone will come along and wash me. Man, woman, or whatever, I'm polyamorous. That means I like polyester, and that I'll fuck anyone. I've postioned myself strategically, to show off my legs, and to block access to both the washer and dryer. This will increase my chances of being washed, either because of my sexy, dirty, legs or because someone needs to use the machines for their clothes. I don't care. I don't care about anything, except getting washed.

We Needed a Sidecar... and to Express Ourselves

At first we just needed a sidecar, but we weren't able to locate one that fit the bike. Then in trying to fabricate our own, we ran into a shortage of suitable materials. So we started spitballing ideas, bar stool, lazy boy, chaise lounge. We kept going back and forth until finally I suggested the piano, totally joking of course. Well, I guess the joke's on us, cause we pulled it off. Why am I naked? Well I guess the joke's on you too.

Modern Day Pueblos

Despite their tribe being forced from their native lands generations ago, modern Pueblo Indians maintain the deep traditions that define their people. They grind their corn by hand into flour for making tortillas. They produce large earthenware jugs to a fine standard of craftsmanship. They have a rich story telling tradition to pass on their values and history. And as you can see from this picture, they've maintained the signature architecture of their people. Unfortunately, safety and common sense are not core components of Pueblo culture.

We're Staging a Protest

Clay and I are protesting gay adoption. I don't know if its legal here yet, but we're going to make damn sure it stays that way. Look at us wearing pink, we're an abomination! Just like two men trying to raise a baby. You can't breast feed with fake titties, and who's supposed to be the man and the woman? Huh? Clay, tell them about...what the hell are you doing? Jesus christ, we're trying to make a point, not actually be gay. Stop rubbing your body you moron!

I Love Marigolds

I only needed one strand for the occasion, but I love Marigolds. I did two strands, then three and then kept going, to get as many Marigolds wrapped around my kneck as I could. I used all I had, else I would have covered my head like a hood, a beautiful Marigold hood. If I find more Marigolds, I shall do that. They feel so good on my cheeks and neck and all I can smell is Marigold. This is the best day ever.

I'm the "Bad Boy" of Jazz Trumpet

Bad ass rock savants don't just play guitar. I was born with two talents, music and mayhem. If I don't have heroin in my blood then I can't even function. I have to drink whiskey all day, and when I throw an empty bottle of Jack through a store window for refusing to sell me more, I get arrested. But all I care about is melting minds with my transcendant Jazz Trumpet playing, so I will torch your police cruiser in order to get to my gig. Where's my lawyer? Fuck you!

Trying to Express "Who You Are"?

I often see people who are obviously trying to express their unique character via their dress or other adornments. However, it's not really unique to wear a mohawk, or have disks in your lobes or pierce your tongue. Lots of people do those things, then most move on to something else and eventually end up dressing and acting like their parents. Then sometimes you get people like this... person. Who at one point started with one piercing and then kept trying to be an individual, to seperate themselves from the herd and show the world who they are...by doing the same thing over and again. "Who You Are" is a desperate, uncreative, moron.

Beats Mining for Diamonds

Trust me dude, this is waaaay better than mining for diamonds. I did that for three years and feared for my life every day. I've got scars on my forehead from having machine guns pushed against it. So doing this kinky ass shit for that Dutch dude is totally better. These are the kinds of scars that wash away with whiskey. Though I'm a little worried about what we're going to do with these cucumbers, and I'm not totally sure our lives aren't in danger doing this too. Did you know that in some countries you can get paid to talk on the phone? And you're allowed to leave every day!