Family Gatherings are Just the Best

I just love seeing my children get together on special occasions. They're all grown now and have their own lives, careers, and kids which keep us from being the cozy family that I shepherded through so many tough years after my husband left. This just warms a mother's heart to see them all in one place and getting to see the kids they used to be emerging from the adults before me. "Oh Krissy, make sure you give all of your brothers some titty sundae". That girl always favored Bobby the most.

I Really Didn't Want to Deploy A Virgin

Yesterday I got word that my unit is deploying to Kandahar Province. I'm 18, from a small town in Kansas and have never been laid. Never even kissed a girl in fact. So on the brink of heading to a godforsaken country to die for freedom, I decided I had to get laid. As luck would have it, my options were Carol here and the gay guy in my unit. Her being a devout Christian and saving herself for marriage were just added shit smears on the sandwich of my life. If I don't die, I'll just have to pay a buddy to tell her I did, wearing his dress uniform and the whole nine. Anyhow, I'm about to get some.

First Call Backs Are the Toughest

Being a 6' 5" male competing against the finest female ballet dancers in the world is tougher than you might think. Sure I have them beat on power, and standing out to catch a director's eye is always a good thing. But still, audition after audition comes and goes and here I sit by the phone, awaiting my break. I've gotten a few calls, but they always just ask, "Are you a man?" And when I confirm, they hang up. Once I lied and said no, to which they responded "We're pretty sure you're a man" and then hung up.

Bruce Lee Taught Me This

Bam! See, this pose, Bruce Lee taught me this. I worked with him on "Enter the Dragon." I've worked with all of Hollywood's martial arts greats: Lee, Segal, Carradine, Chan, Phat, all of em. I started out as a fight scene extra, but over time I became a choreographer. Now, I give tours of their homes and sell their garbage. $50, the bus leaves after sundown and we can't get closer than 2000 feet. Here, let me show you the throat-rip-out move from the end of  "RoadHouse", hiyaaaa!

This is My Property!

Y'all can just go 'cause I'm on MY property and I can do whateva I want. This is my corner, this is my house, my yard, my mailbox, and yes, this is my cootchie. I have a right to show it to anyone I want to on MY property. You can't arrest me for being fearless! You can't come up in my property and harrass me for advertising my fine ass cootchie. Fuck y'all.

I'm Impressed for the Next 30 Seconds

This is the boldest move I've ever seen pulled off in an anti-gravity traveling carnival ride. I've only ever stayed frozen against the wall freaking out when the floor drops away. I've seen dudes spin sideways on the wall, and I've seen chick's hair fan out, but holy crap, I've never seen something this cool. Though in about 30 seconds you're going to eat shit and I'll forget your achievement.

It's Not Sexy When You Do It

I know you've looked at countless sexy pictures featuring this pose, but I'm willing to bet they were all ladies with fine asses. Your mistake in choosing this as YOUR sexy pose is that you are neither a lady, nor do you have a fine ass. Even your long hair is ratty and unnattractive, whereas in these pictues, the fine ladies with their sweet asses have really awesome "I want to touch it" hair. Sexy guy poses feature a leg propped up so the dong is on display. Learn this!

Tomorrow We Need to Start on The Cob House

Okay we made really good progress today in the organic garden. I'm going to keep these potatoes in my stockings until they start to sprout, then we'll plant them along the back border. Bill and Sara, did you get the water mill working yet? Keep on it guys, we need that running if we want to get off the grid. By the way, these mungbean chips are awesome! So anyhow, we're going to start on the Cob house tomorrow, so keep going in the red buckets, we need the building material.

Independent State... of 1.

You are looking at the President, the Supreme court, and the hombre numero uno of the country of "Michelob." I got fed up with bullshit taxes, bullshit cops harrassing me, and bullshit mexicans taking my jobs. I'm a grown ass man, and I need to be in charge of my life. So I declared this backyard an independent country. So unless you're going to pay MY taxes, you can clear right on outta here brotha'.

Don't Deny the Lone Wolf

Do you have ladies like this?
AaaaahhhhoooooooOOOO! I'm part Cherokee and I've embraced my warrior instincts, I have the soul of the lone wolf. Arrrr! Arrr! Arrrrrooooo! Amber and Kristin here know what I'm talking about. When the full moon rises, so does the wolf! Ha! Now you ladies wanted an Italian ice? Well ,the Wolf will provide!

Stop Encouraging Him!

Oh god damn it, don't you encourage that drunk fool! He's going to end up in the hospital again, sitting on that woodpile bare-ass naked. He already broke the chicken coop and threw up on the hog. Stop laughing, or I swear I'll knock your last tooth out. You dumb asses better quit drinking that moonshine; you need to sell that.

I'm a Direct Descendant of Leif Ericson

I'm a modern day viking, and I live my life accordingly. Everything I do, I indulge to the fullest. I eat ALL the food, I drink ALL the beer, and with my bitch Vani here, well... I take that to the fullest too! She's my soulmate though, she really understands me and knows how "not giving a fuck" is an indelible part of who I am, my modern viking persona. As soon as I save up enough, we're going to Iceland to have a Norse wedding with a blood sacrifice.

Know Your Prey

I have a hard time meeting women my age, they know I'm creepy and shy away. So I've set my sights on the younger ladies who haven't fully developed their creep radar. But how do I get in good with them? Well I immerse myself in their world, I listen to their music, I read their websites, and I even sneak into their rooms when they're away for research. Now I'm not going to do anything sexual, I'm just trying to get to know the next wave of eligible...
"I'm Chris Hanson from 'To Catch a Predator' on NBC"

Don't Let Your Baby Grow Up to Defy Death

I don't consider myself a dare devil. I'm just the mother of one, which means that I spend half my time worrying to death, and the other half I'm serving as a "lovely assistant" in that boy's latest death-defying act. What the hell is he even doing this time? He told me to sit here... is he going to jump over me or something?

Park Ranger Jim Meadows is Known for his Pagentry

...so as the buck works his way through the underbrush, he picks up the scent of a doe in heat. This scent serves two purposes, it allows him to track down the doe, and then when he finds her, it helps get him aroused. Hey hand me that pink swimming noodle. Give me a second. Okay, see now I'm a buck who's fully aroused and ready to mate. Do any of you children have any questions before I show you how the buck mounts the doe? No?

He Was Supposed to Hold a Rooster! Ha HAAA Ha!

Oh gawd! I can't believe we did this. See, I was going to hold a cat and Ken was going to hold a rooster, and we're naked. Then for our Christmas card, everyone would see my pussy and his cock, but not really! Ha! But when we went to the farm to get the rooster, it kept pecking, and Ken didn't want to risk getting his pecker, pecked! HAH! OMG!

Allright, I'll Take Fifteen Bucks

Allright look dude, I'm sorry about the picture in the ad, but technically this IS a pontoon party boat. I put the seat on there, and there's a cup holder/ash tray, so just be cool and buy it. I can go as low as 15, but really you're robbing me, there's at least that much in duct tape on this bad boy. I'll load it in your hatch back for free.

I Thought We Were Going to Make a Porn

Do you want me to take my shirt off or not? You said you needed me to dress like a schoolgirl for your "intense movie" and you showed up with that condom monster dude. I assumed we were going to make a porn. You're not wearing pants. I'm not doing this live action Pokemon shit.

Doublemint Said No

Growing up as twins, we all dreamt of one day being Doublemint models. We maintained matching hairstyles and dressed identically each day, just in case we happened across a Doublemint scout. We sought out, courted and married twins to enhance our chances. Sure we're in love, but our relationships are rooted in the career move. But apparently Doublemint has cut their advertising budget and we're left with nothing. Double our disappointment.

It's the World's Greatest Offroad Vehicle

Wot? I tol you I love this vehicle. The Range Rover has traveled over every inch of the British Empire: Australia, India, Africa, America, and well, Britain. This here is the hardest working truck in the King's fleet. Roight? It does a damn sight more than my wife that's for sure. "Oh nothing dear, go back to your telly!" Anyhow, if you don't mind, I'd like to finish what I started. Swing the gate shut on your way out, eh guvna'.

Next Time I'll Wear Bigger Boots

2010 Dade County Swamp Buggy Racing -Women's Division Champion Mickey West.
"I went a little too deep into the sippy hole, but I focused on keeping my momentum steady and I made it out okay. Then I really got it going down the back stretch and never looked back to see that Carol had stalled out. I'll tell you what though, I should have worn my hip waders, these pants are ruined!"

The Inner Monologue of a Disco Unicorn

Dancing like a pony. I prance for the admiration. Strut 'cross the dance floor like a mystical stallion. Whirl through the crowd, tossing my mane to catch their eyes. I need the heat of their stares to bake my body paint and keep my sweat from running streaks through my perfect form. Shake my hips with each step to swish my tail safely away from my heels. Live the fantasy in front of the crowd, on the floor, dancing like a pony.

This Photoshop Went in the Wrong Direction

I understand that the photo needed something to spice it up and draw the viewer's eye away from the subject. It needed a fantasy scenario to achieve a net result of a pleasant image. But the angel wings were the exact opposite of the fantasy imagery needed for Betty's Senior picture. If you had placed her in a Satanic realm with a whippy tail curled out behind her and hell fire shooting up her back, then you would have created an appropriate setting to match her "look" and the picture would have rocked so hard that it would have made her look good. God damn it, know your subject.

I Wonder if Kids in China Would Still Want to Eat This?

Taste this and let me know if it represents one of the basic elements of life, pure and clean, or if it represents the filth that has been washed from my body. Of course it also might just be a cheese puff, which would really hurt my photography grade. Just don't tell me it tastes like I'm trying too hard to make a point that I haven't figured out for myself yet, because then I'd be covered in cheese dust for nothing.

Eat Your Heart Out San Antonio

Time to let the freak flag fly and get the squares worked up. "Oh no, that cowboy's not wearing pants." Ha! Loosen up, I'm letting all of my creativity hang out and expressing my dual nature of rugged masculinity with a shade of pre-pubescent girl. This means I can't live within your J.Crew mandated style guidelines. You got a light?

Consider the Sensible Aspects

1. It's raining so the plastic will keep her dry.
2. It's got a hood.
3. She's wearing shoes and socks.
4......
Okay, the rest is horribly shocking and I can't help but wonder if there are mental health professionals hunting her down. I also wonder if the photographer had time to run and get a camera, or if they were unfortunately prepared for taking this picture. And worst of all, I wonder what the front looks like.

Dude, Your Sister is Fired as Stylist

You know I love Keisha right? But these outfits are really gay. When we were getting ready I was like "Keisha, this is pink." and she was all "Don't front, black folk look good in pink" and I agreed cause that's true. But look at us! We look gay as hell! I mean I got fucking pink wings on and we're wearing some dog collars and shit. Man, I want to go home.

Put Your Money Where Your Prophecy is, Jesus

Hey Jesus, I gots me a shit load of orphans to feed and just one fish. I read about your magic powers, so I'm calling you out. You think you're better than Ganesha, you two armed motherfucker? Step up and make this fish feed my orphans. If you can feed these orphans for me, then I'll become Christian. But I'll make up my own Christian religion that lets me stay mostly Hindu. Don't be no sucka prophet, bitch.

The Comeback Kid of Contortionism

After being dismissed from the cast of Cirque Du Soleil, contortionist Jean Luc Bignon sunk into a crippling depression. His marriage collapsed and he began to binge eat and abuse alcohol, ballooning to 320 lbs on his 5'1" frame. Then last month, his father on his death bed made Jean Luc promise to get back to the top. And so begins his long journey to regain the ability to put his ass where his head should be.

Factory Defects Happen in Sci-Fi Too

When hundreds of thousands of clones are developed for the Army of the Republic, you have to expect the occasional reject. A few strands of DNA connect in the wrong order, or some lubricant drips into a petri dish during critical stages of nucleogenesis, could lead to what you see before you. Pulled from production, yet finding new life as a bounty hunter, "Chick-fil-fett."

Oh Randy. No, No, That's Not Sexy

When we last saw our hero Randy, he had pulled out all the stops to show the ladies just what he was packing. But with little response from the fish in the internet sea, he's spiraled down a misguided path of resorting to desperate displays of erotic gunplay. Simulating felatio with a baretta. Spinning the chambers of his colt revolvers off his nipples. Broadcasting these cries for attention over his webcam, Randy has alienated even his chatroom friends. So where he was once alone in a basement, with only his online acquaintenances, he has now discovered a new depth of loneliness. As this dawns on him, he holds his pistols in a new light of respect and apologizes for what he is about to ask them to do.

Fuuuuuuucccccccck! An Ode to Bold Action

To fly for a moment is divine.
To leap off the ledge and feel the rush of blood in my ears,
To soak up the drunken adoration, to hear the cheers.
In this moment I swallow fear like wine,

Heroes are born of bold action.
Failures on the path to greatness are expected,
but the eventual victory is why their statue's erected.
Though, before then I may end up in traction.

Before I lept I was just like you.
We rented this beach house together on Cape Cod,
But since then I've taken strides to become a God.
And if this works, I know you'll jump too.

I don't care if this was a bad decision.
My mind was free before I lept.
No rules or reason to compromise or upset.
So whether I live or die,
My only care was to try,
And move my life forward without pause for revision.

Trust Me, I Look Much Better This Way

I've a long history of trying different looks and styles, but nothing really worked until I donned the mask and cape. I tried the prep look, but khakis really make my ass look dumpy and the pastels highlight my poor complexion. Jeans ride up my butt, dress shirts give me kneck rolls, plaid makes me look like a lesbian, and sport coats make me sweat profusely. You might think I look foolish dressed as Batman, but  after the long fashion journey I've taken, let me tell you,  I am Batman!

Careful! It's Icey

Woah careful, this stoop is coated with ice. My gutters are crap and they just drip melt all over here and it freezes in the shade. I've got you, just take it easy and keep your balance. Lean on me, my stockings have really good traction and I'm pretty strong.

On the Set of "Batman: Rim of Desire"

Mr. Freeze, after you deflect Robin's Batarang, I want you to move straight into an embrace. No not, like you're fighting, slip your arm around his waist and move your hips in close to his. Closer. Okay, now Robin, you're defenseless, so gasp and flip your cape back to reveal your huge rod. Okay now Freeze, kiss him. No KISS him, like you want to fuck him. We're making gay porn here, let's start acting like it. Okay now where's my Penguin with the fish dildos?

Make This a Good One

Make sure you get a good one, a shadow's starting to fall across the yard from the broken basketball hoop, and I have to return this top to TJ Maxx. It doesn't have to be perfect, Muscle and Fitness will do the whole shoot with a pro, I just need them to see my potential. Do I look pretty? Here, take one of me pouting and sucking on my finger, then I'll move into a lat flex, and then pop up into double guns blazing.

I'm Not Guilty, I Suffer a Mental Condition

Your Honor, as you can see from my face, I suffer from a mental disorder that prevents me from making good decisions. I'm as much a victim as the clerk I stabbed over $127. That was just the most recent in a long stream of horrible things that have happended to me because of this terrible affliction I was born with. My lawyer just informed me that he has brokered a deal for me to serve my time on house arrest. I'd like to dismiss him and face a jury of my peers.

Being Famous is Sooo Hard

Honey, you're not really that famous. Like people may recognize you from "Teen Mom" but they aren't really like your fans or anything. No one thinks you actually do anything, so no one really expects anything from you. Since you don't have an image, you didn't need to "keep up your appearance" with the bronzer. Just as many people are going to remember you for looking like you have on black face as who remember you from that show.

Clown Cancelled, Time to Step Up

The kids have been here for 45 minutes, they're fighting, they're anxious, and the entertainment just cancelled. No clown for the big top birthday, no fucking problem. I used to do this in college and it killed. I know it looks ridiculous, but I swear, people are going to be peeing themselves. I use a mexican accent and my catch phrase is "Can you dig it, Meng!"

Oh God, NOW I Feel Thin

I've been eating nothing but light popcorn for months and still looked like a huge cow every time I saw myself in the mirror. I buried my disgusting body in sweats and wraps to hide my globs of fat as best I could. Finally I got thin enough to get out here in public, but now in the bright sunshine, I look waaaaay too thin. Maybe the lighting in my room is just bad? Is my mirror broken? Oh for fuck's sake, you can see inside my bikini bottom I'm so skinny.

You're Shitting Me. There's a Band Named "Kiss"?

I've never heard of "Kiss".  I only listen to German Death Metal: Neaera, Maledictive Pigs, Purgatory. This is how I've been dressing for shows for years. It's just awesome black leather and chains. I paint my face in case I run across someone I work with, I have a very conservative job. So now you tell me that I look like I'm part of some cheese-dick "Army" dedicated to a '70s space-tranny rock band? What the fuck? How come no one said anything? Dammit.

I'm Not Saying "No" to Anything

Okay, the hair is pretty shocking, but it's just a side effect of my medication. I'm still totally cute, and TOTALLY a girl. I tell you what, to make up for... you know... I'm up for doing anything you want. Absolutely anything. I'll even come over at night when I know you're just wasted. Please, I'm so miserable. My sorority sisters call me "Cheetah" like Tarzan's monkey, and they're my friends. I'll bring Jager too.

Imagination So Powerful it Comes to Life



The awesome creativity that goes into writing a graphic novel can barely be contained. It leaps from the page like a text bubble, taking several forms; posable action figures, blockbuster movies, and children running through neighborhoods as the true life embodiments of their heros. Unfortunately they also have the power to encourage losers with no social skills to invade my store. "Dude, you're going to have to leave."



When in Distress; Adapt, Improvise, Persevere

Timothy Douglass had become trapped in a laundry basket while playing unattended. He fit in easily, but in trying to get out, hunks of his thigh flesh caught in the basket vents. After a few desperate minutes of panic, followed by a failed rescue attempt in which the dog escaped with his shirt, Timothy evolved into a boy of action. Using only his teeth, objects next to the basket, and his cunning, he built an airplane to fly him safely within arms reach of the snack cupboard.

Okay Fine, We Didn't Really Just Want Equality

Yes, we said we just wanted to be able to care for our ailing partners, to raise children as loving couples with stable homes, and share the domestic rights of straight couples. But really we just wanted to have over the top, homo-sexually charged weddings. Will actually invited his whole family, but my side was pure gays cavorting and grinding and shocking the crap out of everyone. Here comes the bride, she's got high heeled boots, fish net stockings and a raging hard on!

Oh Man, I'm a Great Dad

This is gonna be great! "Udder Happiness," that's what I'll title this on Facebook. I just hope I have enough time to answer all the comments. But we still have the baseball game this afternoon and the circus tomorrow, before my cunt of an ex-wife picks the boy up. 48 hours once a month isn't nearly enough time to spend with my only son, remind him who the best dad in the world is, and get a crap load of pictures up on Facebook for cougar bait.

I'm Not Crying

The white streaks in my red face paint are there on purpose. It's not my pale flesh revealed from tears pouring out. I don't care that we lost, I'm not really that big a fan. I want to stay here at the empty arena 4 hours after the game ended, I told my ride to leave without me. I didn't sit in throw up, I took my pants off because I was hot and wanted people to be able to see my boots. I'm having a lot of fun.

Don't Pigeon-Hole Me

Gary Spivey is much more than just a "Pyschic Medium, Healer," not that the dingbats at TLC care. I'm the President of my Soapbox Derby Racing club, don't you think "Gary Spivey - President" is a bit more impressive? For chrissakes, I'm wearing my fricken helmet right now. And oh by the way, I made this myself, as well as this outfit. So you could also add "Gary Spivey - Crash Suit Tailor" and "Gary Spivey-Safety Equipment Manufacturer." I'm done with this interview so, go ahead and change it to "Gary Spivey - you can kiss my ass."

Four Bucks an Hour?

Four Bucks an hour is half of my regular rate. Your call to let me know you were going to be another 3 hours was nice and all, but it doesn't make up for missing my date. So I'm done watching your brats. I kept them safe, fed, and out of trouble for 3 hours, which I think is a fair amount of time for my compensation. Now I'm only here to call 911 if they're dying, until you get home.

I Think They're Gone Now

I don't want to be an international reporter anymore. It was fine when I was living in Syria on Per Diem, and everything was calm under tyrannical rule. But this revolution crap is not what I signed up for. Did you hear about the French photographer that was killed? When I get back to Columbus I'm going to get a job baking bread at the Wonder factory.