Come In, Water's Great

Um, you guys comin' in? You've got your suits on and made the trip all the way out here. Come on in. We can play Sharks and Minnows. Please. I'm hun... lonely.

Oh Get Out, You Scamp!

"Scram, scram, give a girl some privacy!" I swore to myself that once I started going drag I would maintain my commitment to the fantasy no matter what. Be it a wardrobe malfunction, or being beaten senseless by homophobic thugs, I'd remain steadfast as, "Madame Novary".

My Shame is Within

This embarrassing man you see before you is but an unfeeling wooden front door. Laugh and stare all you want; it bothers me none. For my shame is a secret I've buried deep within. I serve store bought noodles.

Ultimate Fantasy Juxtaposition

I don't see how anyone could argue that Yanni's music is anything less than beautiful. It's so huge and awe-inspiring; like diving into God's pristine vagina. If only he really did have perfect breasts to nibble on as well. Oh, Yanni... I want you.

I Might Go Blonde

I like to think that this lady started out as a combination of unattractive and unremarkable. For most women, a new hairstyle is more than enough to spice up their look and turn a few heads. If it was necessary to go to these lengths to be noticed, she must have been the lady equivalent of flat off-white latex paint.

Aisle 6 Goes Buck Wild

On your typical Saturday, Home Depot is a mad house of middle class couples seeking to fix up their modest homes one room at a time. You might hear squabbles over drawer pulls or paint colors, but things remain WASPy civil. Though on occasion, tempers can flair and two customers will unleash holy hell on the Suburban megastore.

Marketing the Invasion

The Carillions, hoping for a bloodless takeover of earth, invested millions in a seductive series of advertisements to prepare the humans for domination. In this Vanity Fair full-page ad, a beautiful human woman sits calmly as her digestive track is filled with Carillion pupae.

Rechannelization of Bad Energy

I have chronic addiction problems. I've been through phases of drug and alcohol abuse, hoarding, insatiable sex drive, you name it. Then during my last stint in rehab I picked up a pair of knitting needles and I'm finally able to do something good with my chemical imbalance. Well, at least something that isn't self destructive.

Back On Their Fins

Touched by the plight of disabled sea creatures, Suzette Nemo has dedicated her life to making a difference in theirs. She is shown here testng out a scooter specially designed for Orcas and other large scale marine mammals.

Victim of Economic Decline

A combo of a prolonged recession, and the shift from cookies to more healthful fruit and yogurt snacks made the lovable clown corporate fat that needed to be trimmed. With no marketable skills, he spends his day hustling for cash and his nights smoking crack with fellow laid off McDonaldland characters Grimace and Mayor McCheese.

Best of the Best of the Best

Thousands of men have strapped on the bowtie and ripped off their shirts. But there are dancers, and there are well-oiled gods, cavorting and gyrating like the wind through the trees or the ocean currents across a pristine coral reef. The 1986 Chippendale's Masters could make women come without even laying a finger on them.

It's True Love or Whatever

Do you see how cute my little sugar baby is?
I'm your Sugar DADDY, you stupid bimbo.
Oh, sorry sweetie, I get confused, you're sooo cute.
I'm getting a new piece of ass.

Another Buffet-Related Accident

As vacation season kicks off, the buffet business is starting to boom. All too often, what starts as a decadent excursion of all-you-can eat delight, ends up as a medical emergency. Typically it's a heart attack or food poisoning, but accidental swallowing of non-digestable objects is on the rise, as humanity grows as fat and voracious as farm animals.

Nah, I'm Cool. Rescue Someone Else

Did all my shit get flooded? Hell no, just the shit I don't need. I got my lady and my beer so I'm all set. Crystal, crack me another, I'm sober.

18 Paychecks and Counting

Your holy roller, no birth control lifestyle is noble and wonderful. Your ability to stretch a modest budget to feed 18 kids and also to raise them all as polite and helpful people is simply amazing. But then you go and put them on reality TV and cash in on them being a freak show abomination, so your motives are a tad suspect.

Don't Hurt Me!

Aaaagh! Don't hurt me. I'll do anything you want, just please, please dont, hurt.... hey, you can't wack off can you? Is that why you're so violent and sadistic? Do you want a handy? Well you should have asked nicer.

No! Put Me Down!

Oh God NO! Not again! I ended up in this chair from a crowd surfing accident. Security! Help!

Next Time, Cash Up Front

I spent 4 hours on a Mexican Sugar Skull piece on this dickweed's chest and then he couldn't pay me. So to work it off, he's going to stand at the front of my store as a piercing display for the weekend. He's lucky I don't do Prince Alberts.

I Got This I Got This I Got This...

I've spent my whole life in the comfortable luxury of my parents upper middle class home. Now it's time to risk danger in order to snort a heaping pile of freedom! I can fucking fly! I can fucking fly! Fuuuuaaarrrrrrrggggghhhh....

Eww, This Turkey Tastes Like Coconut

Half of my friends have gotten cancer, and most of them are still around, so I figure, what the hell. The tan hides my veins and covers up my spots. Besides, I enjoy indulging in a cigarette now and again, so trying to avoid cancer is like hiding from the police in a jail cell. Now help grammie get some oil on my back.

She Aint Broke, She's Broke In

Not an ounce of sass in this one. No talk back, no complainin', no willfullness. Only thing left is a loving wife and a damn good cook. Now, that don't mean I'm gonna go soft on her. I set her right, and I aim to keep her right.

Gertrude's A Shitty Knitter

Just being an old lady with an interest in knitting isn't enough. One needs digital dexterity, an artistic vision, and most important, knitting ability. Unfortunately, where Gertrude lacks in talent, she makes up for by sucking on a grand scale.

Why Does Mint Have to Be "Fresh"

We eat a wide variety of food in our daily quest for delicious satisfaction. Yet when we go to clean our mouth, it is almost always some variant of mint. I want my mouth to have the clean, fresh taste of dark chocolate, or beef jerky, or even Doritos.

I Get My Way

I told Mommy that I wanted to spend the night at Carminas. She said no.
I told her that I wanted to go to the Lady Gaga concert. She said no.
I told her that I wanted a Westie puppy. She said no.
So when she told me to let her out of the van, I said no.

The Impossible Suit

Mr. Merriweather, as your tailor, I feel it's my responsibility to tell you the hard facts. Creating a suit to fit you will be a nearly impossible task. The fabric will be stretched to near failure, and the stitching has never been applied in these circumstances. I believe this is our only chance to dress you, but I can only offer a 15% chance of success.

Pregnant Man Clown?

Sometimes a spade's a spade. And when you look in the mirror and you're a pregnant man clown, it's time to draw another card from the deck. Even if that's what you were going for, it is not a winning hand. Though oddly I'm jealous, as this is the perfect outfit for pounding Keystones and smoking a pack of Camels.

Thrill Ride Plus

I can't say I ever want to be in this situation, but you've got to admit, there are some plus points to it. It's an epic story to tell for the rest of your life, whether you're the spewer or the spewee. The intensity of the ride is definitely amped up, you wanted to scream and be thrilled right? Best of all, the happy couple that's been making out all over the park is now in a living hell.

All I Need is my Ferret

Life has handed me a few lemons. Long ago my hopes and dreams eroded from grandiose accomplishments and whirlwind romances to just having a nice day. Now, my greatest moments are at home with my ferret "Silkey", stroking his soft fur and feeding off our loving bond. At these moments nothing can go wrong. "Aw shoot! Silkey, did you just pee on me?"

At the Eccentric Millionaire's Auction

Our next item up for bid is this endangered Polar Bear. This fine specimen was poached just last week and prepared with 20 carat diamonds for eyes. If you lift the paw just so, you reveal a secret safe to hide bundles of cash and jewel encrusted daggers. Can we start the bidding at 750 thousand?

Breakin' Down Stereotypes

Why does Superman have to be some bourgeoisie, Clark Kent, white ass motherfucker? He's from another planet; you're telling me white people are even the social elite in other galaxies? Fuck no. I'm bringing Superman to the streets, to the people, to goddamn America! I aint no bird, I aint no plane, I'm motherfuckin' Superman.

You Can't Buy Protection at Babies R Us

Modern couples spare no expense in preparing for the impending delivery of their precious new baby. They want their child to have all the amenities, all the educational resources, and all the healthful products their fellow parents implore them to purchase. But you can't buy the cold, calm determination needed to pull the trigger to protect them from attack.

Ms. June - Beekeeper Monthly

The age old past time of bee keeping is interesting, rewarding, and a crucial part of the ecosystem. Though, as with everything it could use more sex. It just so happens that bee keepers are some kinky mother fuckers.

The Secret to Great BBQ

Carolina or Texas style? Dry rub or sauced? Gas or open pit? These are the kinds of amateurish questions that American BBQ masters quibble over. Ask any Chinese proprietor of BBQ meat on a stick, and they'll tell you; the secret is open highway air. Shhh!

OMG, Barry! It's Chris, from Law School!

It's hard to fathom just how many people there are in America, let alone the world. I think I'm pretty average and I couldn't fill a sports arena with the people I've known in my life, yet hundreds of them fill and empty every day. So even for someone as famous as the president, true friends and acquaintences are rare finds in the massive crowds he wades through. And huge disappointments when they are the ones he's been trying to avoid.

Life's Final Journey

What is beyond the mortal horizon? No one knows, despite our wildest imaginations. On one end of the spectrum there is nothing, for which there is no preparation. On the other end, perhaps the wildest adventure possible, which will take a lifetime of meddle and grit to conquer. I for one choose the kayak, just in case the river Styx has class 5 rapids.

My Hands are Tired

The body is a tool for the individual to apply in whatever way they can. It is our single greatest resource; no part has a single purpose, all have secondary uses beyond their role within the organism. Some are for self defense, some serve a pleasure purpose, and sometimes they can just hold onto your broom.

Exhibit A

I'm going to be so rich after I sue the pants off the Pringles people. I've always suspected those cans were a bad idea, a lone wolf in a snack world of spacious bags. And as if I could see the future, I dislocated my pinkie as it caught on the edge during an attempted chip grab.

Flesh Tone is Never Accurate

I'd like to meet the person whose skin tone was the basis for "Flesh Color." This isn't just a problem for the rainbow of skin colors in our multicultural society, flesh doesn't even match white people. In fact, I think if your skin were that color, a doctor would worry. Unless of course you're a six legged albino rabbit.

Honest, Yet Off-Putting

You may have a shady establishment if you need to reassure your customers that the previous owners are safely dead, and will not be seeking to get their stuff back. Although, this could be a store specializing in funeral supplies and accessories.

Wigged Out Party

The reason why recreational drug use is good, is because it can turn a boring night at home into a freakish experience that couldn't be found any other time or place on earth. These three people are having a mind blowing good time. The down side of the drugs is that one of them will end up dead before morning.

Upstaged by a Juggalo

And behold, the amazing magnetic boy! Born ordinary, but struck by lighting to give him the ability to attract metal objects, with the power of his mind...
"Yo yo! Insane Clown Posse in the howze, mothefucka'!"
Oh go back to your room Peter. You moron.

Headed to my Show

I have a one man show, where I'm only exhibiting one piece, a self portrait. It's very avant garde. It's called "Trujillo." I'd invite you to come, but there is only one ticket, and I need it to get in and hang the portrait.

Gotch Yer Nose!

Though I don't suppose pigs really know that game. Somewhere a confused farm animal is frantically searching for his snout, while this tricky bastard wears it like a necklace. Lucky for him, PETA only protests in major US cities where there's luxury hotels and plenty to do.

I Bet She's a Good Kisser

I don't know what it means to be a "good kisser." I assume it's really just a factor of how much you like the person. Tasting someone elses mouth is always bad, unless you like them, then they're a "good kisser." Though this girl would always be nice to kiss, with her watermelon face. Delicious, even without knowing her personality.

His Carbon Footprint Would Be Tiny

If we could make humans organically supernatural, like this specimen, we'd live in a much more environmentally friendly society. I imagine his mega guns would replace the need for electric or gas powered machines. With his strength, he could launch himself to work via some kind of slingshot. And really, he'd spend all of his time at home watching his muscles, which is greenest of all.

I Am Beautiful

I was a naked heap of flesh, ugly and ashamed. But then a delicate butterfly alit on my shoulder, so light I could only feel it's beauty with my eyes. As I began to weep, more joined, one at a time; drinking my tears and then fluttering to cover my nudity. I am a vessel for living flowers, I am natural beauty.

It's Great to Be Black in America Today

God I love being black. Everything I do is either cool or scary, and white people fall all over themselves trying to impress me. And did you realize how many white girls want black boyfriends so they can be different or piss off their parents? Tons. Plus, if I ever get into any trouble as a black man, I'll just turn white again.

See You in Hell, Dorothy Gale

Margeaux Talbot, grand niece of the Wicked Witches of the East and West, savors the moment. Crossing alternate dimensions, and roving the barren mid-west for years, she finally found an elderly Dorothy Gale, living a hick's paradise on a Kansas ranch. Then with a "Hocus Pocus" and a firm knowledge of dynamite, she blew her family's nemesis straight to hell.

Beauty's Hairy Beast

I hope she's in a competition for "Natural" beauties. This sort of thing needs to be appreciated by those who are predisposed to like it. We live in cruel times where beauty and image are dictated to us. This lovely creature opposes those fraudulent standards. So for that, she is even that much more lovely.

This Should Be Rephrased as a Mandate

When caring for a child, or play-pretending to care for one, there are things that are optional, and there are things that must be done. You must feed them. You must change their soiled pants. And if they are are so abundantly hairy that they have ankle bush, then you MUST shave the baby.