Homemade Teletubby Costume

It's hard to determine if the near-miss is that this costume isn't really a teletubby, that the aforementioned children's show is no longer relevant, or their father's failed attempt at pulling out one drunk night 17 years ago.

Fish Tale

It was the biggest damn fish I'd ever caught. I fought it for an hour before it finally gave up and I hauled it into the boat. That's when blinding pain shot into my eye, and I kicked and screamed in pain in the bottom of that boat, my wife over me screaming, "You cheating bastard!" I should have gone with the guys... or my girlfriend.

Hit That Shit Gramma!

At first I thought I was busted, but my Gram didn't toss out my bowl because she was punishing me. Instead, like some sort of pot ninja, she made this bong. Then as she let out a monster hit she said, "...and its just household items, so you take it apart when you're cashed and the fucking narcs can't get you for shit."

Love is Blind, Loathing is Masked

It is I who am ashamed, not my lover Rodrigo. While I am drastically more beautiful than he, I cover my face, for I have failed to be even more beautiful so to have a young and wealthy man. With Rodrigo, my beauty is a waste, so I give the world this mask. I wish it to be a plastic bag to end my misery.

A Stay-cation in Flavor Country

The price of everything is rising while the job market gets worse and worse everyday. Even the price of a pack of cigarettes is outrageous; unjust taxes have penalized the modest pursuit of 20 little moments to oneself, an unprovoked attack on simple pleasures. But, when compared to a plane ticket to a popular vacation spot, cigarettes can be consumed like candy.

Our Right Flank is Weak

The aggressive push for social awareness and understanding of just how incredible people with "special needs" can be, should be focused in appropriate areas. As painting a wide swath for tolerance has led to disastrous weaknesses in our national defense. Keep these brave young men in the private sector.

This Street's Dead Man

I gotta talk to Leroy about getting a new corner. I'm freakin' dying out here. Doesn't anyone in this city need a BJ?

Oh Man, Chick Bands Are Hot!

"Dude, these chicks are actually rocking! Holy crap, I love the singer, wait no the bassist, or maybe the drummer. I love metal and chicks, oh man, oh man, oh, oh, oh, oh...!"

Upping One's Game to "Privatized"

Ken had been competing in the chum-filled waters of the bar and club scene for years. Sure he scored ladies on the regular, but only through tremendous effort and loss of resources. But when he hired bartenders to refer prime skank back to his place, his numbers shot way up.

First Prize Costume

This is a pretty good clown costume don't you think? Well, it's not just pretty good, it's first fuckin' place. There were a lot of good costumes, but I went up to the fat bitch running the contest and told her "Give me first place or I'll fucking stab your tits." And it worked! Can you believe that? Scared of a clown costume!

Third World Simple Pleasures

The beauty of the third world isn't in the weathered faces of the people or the squalid living conditions. It's in the simple things that make life enjoyable, the stories, the games, and the fellowship. Basically anything to distract from the fact that they're all dying of typhoid.

What's a "Dial-Up-Do" Alex

Isn't it enough to just be gay? I accept you as you are. There is no need for attempts to be outrageous or over the top or madcap. It's time for us all to just be people. Just look at Alex Trebek, he dresses and acts just like a regular dude, but that doesn't make him any less gay.

Your Turn Brah

The guy tossing the mallet carelessly into his friend's face will certainly follow up the jackass move by blaming the victim. "Awwww dude, you should have been paying attention!"

Rookie She-He Mistake

The beginner is compelled to makeup both halves in creating their She-He masterpiece. But restraint should be the mantra; use your natural gender and appearance to its fullest, you're already half a guy, don't redo that.

Savor the Upside

With the tragic death of his brother, Kevin Buttnick's mourning rapid turned to joy at the prospect of having the room all to himself. When asked how he was doing, he replied, "It's going to be tough rearranging the room, but the extra space for my ball python will be sweet!"

Soul Mate Sighting

Imagine being at a concert for your favorite band and you find a hottie with a hairdo that matches your goattee. This is your once in a lifetime encounter with your soul mate. You could nuzzle up and disappear into each other, no seperation between your two bodies. In finding your perfect match, your only question is, "Can I turn gay to fulfill my true love destiny?"

Midas Crotch

That's a picture of my wife. Ha! Just kidding. Nah, you can't cage this lion. I prowl the clubs, anointing women with my sex talent. I used to wear jeans, but I felt like I was insulting my crotch, so now it's wrapped in gold.

Victim of an Armed Citizenry

Look man, I'm the victim here, you know? I was just minding my own, and that crazy Indian dude started shooting at me. Damn near shot me in the head too. Man, I want to press charges on HIM. What's happened to this country? Used to be you robbed a store and just got punched in the ear a couple of times.

That's Not a USB Port!

As you can see I've equipped myself with a full set of digital storage devices and audio/visual display accessories. I've essentially become the CPU of a high tech data archive...what kind of data? Um, well, porn.

Inseparable Couple

We're soul mates whose chakras have combined into a single spirit being. We literally go everywhere together, because several of our body piercings have interlocked. Please help.

DJ Sand Krab

Feeling like he was rotting away in smoky, sweaty clubs with drunk partiers disgracing the beats he was spinning, DJ Koma moved his talents outside. Now he melts sand into glass with Hot House music.
"Hmm, this crowd needs more boom to get their asses droppin' on the fl..fl..fl..fllloooooorrr..or.or.or.or. unst unst unst"

Double Threat from the Outer Reaches

Glaar Kgnafk travelled light years across the galaxy to forge intergalactic commonalities among sentient beings, and to exude blistering trash metal guitar riffs. Unfortunately his warlike Klingon instincts have led him on blood lust binges inciting riots in small club venues where ever he goes, eroding his credibility as a statesman.

Tickle Tickle Tickle

"Hey kid, look at me, I'm all small and dressed like your favorite thing or whatever. Heeeey don't cry baby, I will tickle you. Here comes tickles... tickle, tickle! Why are you still crying? Who do I have to blow to cheer you up? Christ."

Carefully Laid Backview Trap

On a daily basis, a half dozen or more straight guys will inadvertently check this dude's ass out. It's no accidental female presentation from an overzealous mullet, this "behind lady" visage is purposeful. Notice the mom jeans, notice the tote bag, and softness of the hair as well as the roundness of the buttocks... oh god, I just fell into it.

Life Post Prop Comedy

He ran his reputation into the ground, first with his actual comedy, then horrible movies, and finally capped off by a bizarre plastic surgery and body building transition. Carrot Top has few other options than outrageous street performances for audiences held at gunpoint.
"Hey, it's a crap gun! Get it?"

Hey Baby You like?

Can you imagine this baby? All night, or until the batteries run out. I'll just drill holes in myself until you pass out. And then it's your turn. You can drill holes in me too. Unnnnhhhhh, ooooooohhhh.

Starting Hair Forward

My job is to pound the boards and get rebounds. No one comes near me because I'm some kind of gorilla or muppet or what not. But you know what? My asset is my curse, cause no one picks me for teams. What gives on that?

Even Stevens

When Javier Stevens welcomed his son into the world, his heart ripped in two and he sobbed for months having realized his seed had been boxed out by a cheating wife and her exotic lover. But, his "fair is fair" mantra won out and he was able to find a way to even the playing field and get his life back on track as a devoted husband and father.

Eddie Munster Drives a Hatchback

It's really the most practical vehicle style, what with needing to toss his men's league hockey gear in the back and lay down the back seat to move an antique armoir. Yet being a Munster, Eddie was compelled to customize his ride to ghoulish proportions.

RTFM? KMWA.

The machine, software, board game or whatever it is you produced should be intuitive. We live in an era of automation and convenience, the quality of the product is inversely proportional to the need to explain how to use it. So you tell me, "Read the fucking manual." and I respond, "Kiss my white ass."

Nailed Auditon - No Part

Man, I've never had a better audition than that one. I totally nailed the essence of Punchy. Check it; "Hey! How about a nice Hawaiian punch" and then I totally clocked the producer. Then they said they'd decided to go with an animated spokesperson. Animate this, asshole.

Love From All Directions

A good lover reassures his lady throughout the romantic encounter. Whether she's looking down toward the goods, wary of what awaits her, or she's coming up for air after devouring his manhood, she'll know he appreciates her. Incidentally, his lower back hair patch is also heart shaped, just in case she stumbles into some advanced action.

Call Center Employee of the Month

Having successfully closed over 2300 tickets, Sunil Choudhary was given the royal treatment associated with the "Employee of the Month." Desperate to retain her status she has worked non-stop to break her record, else she will be beaten in the street.

Why Buy When You Can Make?

The skills that we use in our professions often have practical applications in other areas. Here you see expert hedge trimmer Adewale Anjoku with his "Fro Hat". He has shade and style without an expensive and cumbersome traditional head piece.

History Repeats Itself

Despite the horribly tragic images of the Hindenburg disaster, the greed-lust of airborne marketing has kept dirigibles afloat. Maybe now, as history repeats itself,  people will finally learn. Buy Michelin.

Kung Fu Punishment

Having been defeated by Quan Lo the pure, evil monk Mei Chen was forced to wander in the outer wilderness, heavily chained and bearing symbols of shame on his face. Villagers taunted and teased him, thinking that he could not hurt them in his bonds, but he slaughtered them house by house for their mistake.

People Will Buy Anything With a Coupon

If the deal is good enough, people will buy anything. Even useless crap like children. But I blame the big box retailers who offer up everything under the sun, cheap in price and cheaper in quality. It's pretty much garbarge as soon as you get it home, like children.

Rat Tail Possessed by a Demon

I can only assume that this began as an ordinary rat tail on a young man seeking a bit of hair flair. Then while stealing valuables from an Incan temple, a demon escaped hell and possessed the tail, growing it to ass tickling length and sapping the power of the host, leaving a loser douche wandering soullessly on earth.

Lack of Creep Perception

This cute little girl's obliviousness to the creepy rabbit she's perched upon is sweet. But, it should also serve as a grave warning to her parents for her inability to tell if the guys she will date are creepy rapists too.
...and the Lord provideth all girl boarding schools, and it was good.

Dangerous Bottoming

This wacky group of dormitory RAs certainly pulled off an amazing stunt. But equal to their lack of understanding how to be cool, they lack an understanding of how the dude on the bottom is going to get destroyed by this ladder of lame.

Creativity Without a Concept

Seperated, as pictured above, these two are useless and unidentifiable beings. However, if you mix them together they make a purple ballerina... which is also useless.

Somewhere a Father Vomits

You can instill your daughter with all of the self respect and moral foundation you want, but she will eventually be able to make her own decisions outside of your view and influence, and those will undoubtedly be horrible. Hey, at least he's a doctor or something.

Upskirt Belly

I sit on this bench on nice days like these and dream of a better life for myself. I dream of wealth and adventure, friendship and love. I also dream of a day when an embarrassing upskirt photo of me shows my "va-jay-jay" or my panties instead of my belly button.

No Chafing

I like to take long leisurely rides on my bike. But nothing cuts a ride short or distracts from the fun like chafing. I've tried spandex, but it's constricting. So I ride free and shameless.

How About Inventing a Salad?

There are a lot of indicators that one should cut back on calories and try to lose a few pounds. A tight waistline, inability to see your toes, or being known as a regular at KFC. A need to upsize your toilet should be an indicator that you're a hippopotamus.

Third Times A Charm

The first two were duds. But since you're already committed to being parents, you might as well keep trying for a good one. Keep trying constantly.

High Stakes Poker

I'm pretty sure Sun Tzu dedicated a chapter of "The Art of War" to the tactical bluff. I've never read that book and I don't think these dudes have either. Though if the enemy they ambush also has wooden sticks, they'll laugh their asses off.

Frickin' Tourists

Ain't no chance this c-sucker is going to pay this ticket, but I'll write it anyhow. Son of a bitch thinks he owns the city... go back to the outer reaches you redneck prick.

How to Explain this Away

"Ugh, my butt period started. How Embarrassing!"
"Just had awesome sex with a hot guy. Goes with the territory, right? High Five!"
"Just got these pants from Paris. Everyone will be wearing them by fall."
"I'm two."

What Look are You Going For?

Is this some sort of Star Trek alien species? Or is an '80s throwback, heavy on makeup, hair color and random scraps of fabric? I don't think its goth, as I've never seen a ginger goth. Or maybe this look is "acne beard distraction." Beam me up Oxy.