Define Your Success As Yourself

One man can't determine another's success, as it is the achievement of one's own goals in a manner of the individual's choosing. Applying your definition of success on another is unfair. Perhaps he wanted to be homeless and smell like pee, perhaps he wanted his wife to divorce him and take his children, house and dignity. Unless you sit in that man's chair, and pose like he wanted to pose, you can't judge his success.

Dinner for One

The three best friends sat down to their monthly dinner together. Dale then made a wisecrack about Everett's shirt. Everett, responded by insulting Rick's dog. Then while Dale laughed, Everett stabbed him in the throat with a straw, and then smashed Rick's head against the table. This marked the tragic end to a long tradition.

This Sausage is Greasy

I'm making my man a delicious breakfast for dinner. It's fun, spontaneous, and sexy. Soon we'll be feeding each other fluffy pancakes, dipped in maple syrup. Our eggs will be perfectly flipped over easy, and this sausage.... this sausage will force us to sit in silence while we savor it in our mouths. But I aint gettin no grease on my blouse!

Go Ahead, We Dare You

Ooohh oooh, you're going to cut your wrist? Go ahead and do it. The only thing that's going to gush out is gravy with maybe some chunks of turkey.

Bioniclesexual

The popular Lego series "Bionicle" is a favorite of ten year old boys who enjoy assembling the gnarly creatures and then using them in imaginary action combat. On the other side of the equation, ten year old boys are a favorite of sexual predators.

Road Hogs

"Hey honey, look at that big ass cow way up there."
"That's crazy, how'd they get something so big up so high?"
"Shit, we used a winch."

Perfect Alibi

When the kerosene tank exploded it destroyed the family farm, transforming a financial liability on the brink of foreclosure into a huge insurance pay out. Luckily no one was hurt, because Esther Krabb was out in the field tending to the the squash... conveniently.

Aesop's Bastards - Motorcycle Club

Having failed to learn his lesson from the footrace with the Tortoise, the Hare showboats moments before losing control and coming in second to an Amish man in a horse drawn buggy.
"Ye should have minded your work English. Modesty is a victory unto itself."

Confection Complexion

Colorful sprinkle toppings are great when you imagine your tasty dessert's perfect finishing touch. But they get everywhere and they don't really add any flavor. In then end you'd rather just have a naked scoop of ice cream sitting atop a sugar cone for your tongue to lick without interference. The same goes for women, nothing should interfere with your tongue licking them.

Hungry for Competition

Thousands of hours of training led up to this moment, and tens of thousands of sausage links were eaten during breaks, before and after practice, and during moments of frustration. After this, Sparkles is going to retool her Sausage Fest jump rope routine for the more heart-healthy String Bean carnival.

Ice Peacocks

Men will do anything to gain attention. Since humans aren't blessed with physical traits fit for flaunting, they must use their imagination and ingenuity to devise attention grabbing stunts. Though often in the quest to be noticed, the next steps are neglected. If these guys meet women, their dicks will be like frozen chicken nuggets.

Telephone Accessories

If only blue tooth enabled devices came with cords, then maybe people who used them would choke to death now and then.

Misplaced Health Benefits

My face has a reduced risk of heart disease, and it's part of a healthy breakfast. However, there's a matchbox car in my mouth that might choke me.

He Thought They Were Villains, Until...

An intergalactic superhero must fight alien species without question, without a moment of hesitation to wonder about the nature of the beings- their motivations, their passions. So Capt. Galactic was horrified while the second to last Phlegmaranian massaged his prostate as a gift of interspecies sexuality, despite the horrible slaughter of his race at the hand of the Cpt's photon cannon.

Who Needs Therapy?

A person needs a chance to unload the painful thoughts and emotions that they carry day in and out. Some people will compound their problems by paying good money to a barely competent stranger for therapy sessions. Other people spend 6 euros on a litre of low quality wine. Neither route offers true support and compassion.

A Moment of Bliss

A few minutes ago she was nagging on and on about Huang's job, his friends, and the generally poor outlook for his future. In a few hours she'll start rotting and bloating due to her advancing state of decomposition. Can you blame him for catching a snapshot of bliss?

Futile Family Planning Methods

"Goddamn, if this don't work I don't know what we're gonna do."
"You know they have clinics with doctors who could remedy this... situation."
"Shut yer mouth right now, that aint Christian!"

A Sexless Horde of Women

Female sports teams are a bizarre phenomenon. Lots of fit, young, women moving and sweating, running into each other and acting out what should be a torrid sex fantasy come to life. Yet sex is the furthest thing from their minds, and watching them fails to be a turn on. I think women just look dumb in sneakers.

Zombie Cookbook: Recipe #23

Nothing takes brains to the next level like coconut milk. Pour a cup atop a slutty blonde and devour immediately.

Love Puddle

Sensuality should ooze from a woman's naked body, to fill the room with a palpable sexual atmosphere. But the classic lusty recline pose should not literally ooze.

What's More Delicate?

A fragile bubble blown far beyond reasonable volume?
A beautiful butterfly with whisper thin wings decorated with intricate designs of colorful powder?
The U.S. government's dedication to serving the best interests of the American people?
Don't sneeze or they're all lost.

Marriage Down the Tube

Despite their inability to be in the same room with each other without getting into shouting matches, Paige and Rick got married anyhow. They still have their differences, but at least now Paige can shut off the set and screw Rick's brother in peace.

Castaway Fisherman

Clay LeRoi had been enjoying a nice day of gulf coast fishing with his friends when the log he was casting from was pulled out by the tide. Here pictured three weeks later riding Gulf Stream currents, his only question is, "How come no one aint called my daddy yet?"

The Emergent Harvest Butthole

While the farmers are busy harvesting their crops and the women are preparing stores of food for winter, the children are left to suffer. The summer quickly disappears while they spend the last nice days kicking off a new school year. They're stuck on the brink of a stretch of childhood misery, they're riding the emergent tip of a life movement.

Worlds Apart

There may only be a foot between them, but Xavier is a thousand miles away from the prudish sensibilities of his mother and his Gammy. Miss matched socks and sneakers on Sunday are his life now, and they can't fucking handle it.

Tasmanian Devil Child

Moments before the picture was taken, baby Joey ripped his three piece suit to shreds with his fangs and razor sharp claws. Moments after the picture he did the same to his brothers.

The Natives are Sexless

The indigenous persons will soon revolt and lop off the large head of Admiral Westcock. Their gratitude for the Christianity and shame that he brought to their island paradise will soon give way to anger for his not bringing any new chicks.

Framton Cums Alive

Personally I think it's more appropriate to name one's penis after a sensuous soul singer who can set the mood for love making. For instance I've got little Barry White because he likes to go deep. But maybe talking guitars help this couple have a good time, good time, good time, good time, good time.

Reproduction by Budding

All of the science around the experiment has been refuted and cast into the darkest corners of genetic research, but Sophia Masters and her identical twin daughter Sophia Masters, are living proof that asexual human reproduction is possible.

Acting Like a Workaholic

People go to great lengths to appear like hard working, indespensible cogs in the corporate machine. Ironically it's much easier to actually be competent at one's job. However, with women dominating Corporate America like never before, competent workers are few and far between.

Not a Rolling Stone

Since being kicked out of the band to make room for a more vibrant and dynamic front man, Mick Jagger, Nigel Higgenbotham has been one of the homeless denizens of London. He can be heard murmuring "Jumpin' Jack Flash" on the Blue line from Heathrow to Cockfosters.

The Klan Waits in the Wings

While considered a mostly impotent and disorganized group of white trash who cling to the notion of ethnic superiority, the Klan is more powerful than we realize. Behind every Black person's greatest achievements is a Klan member, watching and on behalf of all White men, saying "Aww sheeee-it"

Atomic Fro

If his hair is equivalent to an atomic mushroom cloud, then his cock must be ground zero. Ladies, line up to be deforested, turned to glass, and radiated for thousands of years.

Why Not Photoshop Your Cock Going In It?

I guess if Baxter had any experience putting his dick in things, he'd be able photoshop himself making love to his precious Gameboy Advance. Though if he ever does find a woman, maybe he'll just rub his ass crack on her. Geeks are kinky.

Will - Money - Power

Young Will is loaded with ambition and willing to nerd away his youth building the foundation he'll need to be a rich bastard when he grows up. He's also starting out as social dog shit, so when his ambition becomes fueled with Tech dollars, he'll be a vengeful and powerful son of a bitch. Unless he blows everything on coke.

Awsome is an Attitude

Self image is one of the most important components of success. If you think you're awsome, then it doesn't matter what you've acheived, you are in fact awsome. Schools should teach kids that they are awsome and save all the wasted time and effort trying to teach them Math, Science, and especially English.

Wearing Cat Fur is in for 2012

Hang in there! Dying alone, isn't as horrible and heart wrenching as it sounds.

Which Stripes are Slimming?

The fog that descends upon the unfashionable as they select their clothing, forces them to sail into dangerous waters. With just a slight confusion on slimming effects of stripes, Andre is presenting himself as an overweight dude with a needle dick. He's hoping his blind date is actually blind.

Oh Golly! We're Busted!

"Rodney's hand slipped onto my bare breast while we were making out and he just couldn't live with himself."
"I apologized to Maureen profusely, but felt suicide was the only honorable option."
"Then just when I was going to kick the stool out, he proposed!"

Identity Change Crisis

Don't overlook the details when changing your public persona. Dress and act however you wish, but if your name is still Jeffrey Steininger, then you're still just Jeffrey fucking Steininger.

The Perfect Mix of Man and Machine

Cyborg fantasies always go for super hi-tech robotics and supernatural machinery. Million Dollar Man, Robo Cop, Terminator, all are impressive, but sooo pricey. I advocate the practical cyborg that uses simple levers, ordinary blades, and common springs, screws and bolts to create hideously fearsome super humans.

Life After Olympic Glory

Michael Johnson may have been the fastest man on the planet at one point- from gold medal to gold shoes. Now that his sprinting career is over, he just plays fast and loose as a truck stop prostitute.

Play Loud - Dress Louder

Purists would say "Let the music rock on its own merits!" However there aren't many purists who play rock music for a living. People credit Kurt Cobain for his music, but his greatest gift to music was putting a shotgun in the mouth of glam rock. Though I guess that was just foreshadowing...

Unlicensed Clown

Rejected by mainstream clown colleges, "Birdie" learned his clowning in the streets. Rejected by society for pretty much everything else, Brian "Birdie" Sharpton is homeless.

Children Love Him

If you keep your children away, one or two are bound to slip under your gaze for the fascinating balloon man. But if everyone let their children run to him at once, their thousands of tiny feet would crush him to death and eliminate any threat.

Like Father Like Son

I think Mom jumped off this douche bag ship moments before it struck the iceburg. Hopefully she kicked holes in the lifeboats too. Is herpes genetic?

Hippity Hop Down Memory Lane

Looking back at times past is always a fun and embarrassing realization of terrible fashion. Though typically we cringe at short shorts and hairstyles, instead of the sexual predators that lurked among us.