On The Razor's Edge of Adolescence

Baby, Toddler, Young adult; those are the stages of youth we think of fondly. Pre-pubescent douche is one we try to ignore. Yet here it is in all its glory, not sure if it wants to wack off or hug its mom.

Horrible Advice

That's a cute answer that Emma gave there, turning this couple's misaligned sex life into a one word punch line. Proof that's she's an horrible advice columnist, she could have achieved her goal of using their pain for humor while giving actual advice: "Take a hint", "Lend a hand", "Stop being such a sexless bitch."
Hahahahahaha

She Even Screwed Up the Goodbye Note

Relationships require the commitment of both parties. A mutual investment of love, understanding and willingness to grow together through everything life throws at them. But sometimes the annoying traits of one are just too much for the other. I'm pretty sure her inability to handle basic grammar drove him into another woman's arms.

Don't Blame the Dumpster, Blame Society

As a society, we've turned our backs on irresponsible, underprivileged, teenage mothers. They've no option other than desperate inhumanity, but this should not be! The teenage woman should be a mother, in fact, all mothers should be teenagers. They're unemployable, self absorbed, and prone to hysterics, just like new moms. Sync these social strata, and save the babies.

You Only Get One Shot

Wait for it Rainbozo... wait.. for it... Fifteen years of working birthday parties with snotty little kids stomping on your feet and whining through your act for their cake and their fucking presents. Now, in front of this audience of drunken college guys and travelling businessmen, a perfectly timed squirting flower will cascade all over this fine lady's tits, and your dream of a XXX clown act will be a reality!

Dead President?

Having faked his death in the infamous Ford's Theater assassination, Abraham Lincoln returned to his Hodgenville Kentucky birthplace where he's lived the last 150 years in quiet white trash obscurity.

Oh Goddamn I'm Old

When I entered my 80's I promised to live life to the fullest; to party, to act youthful and adventurous. But dammit if times like these just make me feel old. At first I really liked the attention she gave me, but as the truth of her condescension sets in, I'm left depressed in this hell hole club. I'm grinding my rod on her and she's laughing like it's some kind of joke. I'm trying to close the deal here!

Jesus Christ, It's Just a Water Ride

There are significant moments in life that demand pause for reflection and prayer. When great danger surrounds us, calling upon the Lord can help steel our resolve and calm our thoughts for bravery. However, abuse of prayer has the dual detriments of turning us into cowards against non-threatening daily life, and causing God to tune us out.

Lazy River Dude!

Hurricane parties are a beloved tradition of seasoned locals in southern coast cities. So it's only natural that after the eye passes, that those who hunkered down to get sauced, would venture back out into the the aftermath.

Bunion and Coke

Big deal, I can do that with my hands. Learning to do something like this in order to overcome a physical handicap is inspiring. Though with two working hands in front of him, this guy just did this out of boredom. This amazing trick is the result of a life unfulfilled, therefore it is disgusting... plus toes.

Super Girl: Waste of Ink and Paper

Pitting a real life Super Girl next to a real woman from the pages of a comic book and it all becomes clear. She is a pointless waste of graphic novel creativity. No one wants to read about her. She's a homely ass super heroine. I know its sexist, but women in comic books should always be drawn curvy, busty and lusty. Remember, the readers are pervs.

How Fast Food Gets a Bad Name

Honestly, the vast majority of people who purchase some McDonalds on a given day are normal (size, health, hair color, etc.) Though it just takes one fat apple to spoil the bunch. Oh oops, did I type "fat", I meant to type "completely crazy looking, with disgusting back fat."

Emergency Room Chit Chat

"Oh, she has quite lovely breasts."
"Yes they're nearly perfect."
"Shame about that knife though"
"Yes, such a shame."
"Pimps are motherfuckers aren't they"
"So true, so true."

Gynecologist Guerilla Marketing

Simple, clean and perfect delivery of the product message. This seasoned Gynecologist has effectively told any prospective patient that he lives and breathes his practice, that he is ready to examine a lady's distressed hoo at a moment's notice.

I Hope She's Backwards Compatible

If this sweet tart was e-whoring in the days of 5.25 inch floppy disks and green screen monitors, she must be richer than Bill Gates by now. Or she's been incapacitated by some kind of Tron-like computer virus from hours of making love to vintage CPUs.

Why Oysters Weep

My beads are luxurious. They are from the most advanced faux pearl labs in all of Southeast Asia. I love their weight around my neck and the bite into my skin as they wear out the flesh. They crawl like beautiful spiders across my scalp, dripping their webs down my face. And from my ass they pop... Pop POP!

Ready for Carnivale

Ever since I was a little girl, I dreamt of dancing in the spectacular parades of Carnivale. After years of training, struggle and sacrifice I'm finally ready. Wait, those giant heads are fake? You're fucking kidding me!

Freshman Fifteen

Most girls go to college and pack on a little extra weight from drinking too much beer and stuffiing their homesick faces at the dining hall. Kara however, was splashed by radioactive chemicals late one night in the lab, and has unfortunately grown 15 inches in height.

Big Brother's Makeout Van

Most surveillance vehicles try to be inconspicuous to sit by and observe the suspect's regular activities. Though I guess if subtlety isn't necessary, then you call this guy, whose van of a thousand Polaroids has the awesome power of a cell phone camera.

The Failure of Inclusion

You can never win trying to be inclusive. There is too much in this world, too many people, too many individual stories, personalities and backgrounds. So from award acceptance speeches, to admissions policies, to public service posters, the correct message is "Everyone dies eventually."

Bottom Feeder of Sexual Kinks

I'm very open minded about the rainbow of sexual proclivities of humans. However, there is no way a person is turned on by giant human lobster claws that could bite down with tremendous force and rip off a cock with almost no resistance. You could have had me going with your cross dressing Man-crab, if only you had kept the supple man hands.

Sweet Car

"That's a sweet 'vette you got there."
"Yeah, I've been fixing her up, almost have her back to cherry."
"So, why'd you drive it into the..."
"Fuck you."

Filling the Britney Spears Void - *wink

When an international pop star as huge as Britney Spears flames out, it leaves a tremendous field of opportunity open to new comers. Most of them will fail to find even a smidgen of their predecessor's success. This Boa hitched itself to the wrong wagon.

Our Next Trick Will Make You Vomit

Aaaarrrrgggghhh!
Aaaaeeeeeiiiiaaaaaa!
Oooooohhhhrrgghhh!
If this isn't a magic trick, then she's a heartless bitch for not helping this poor bastard.

Daddy, Pass It!

If you truly believe in the legitmacy of recreational marijuana use. If you are an outspoken proponent of marijuana legalization, then you should have absolutely no problem smoking an inch fat joint with your daughter. Although this might just be a ploy to score chicks with a wide-cast net, those who like weed, and those who are compelled to save the child.

Where Commitment and Regret Merge

In that moment between standing on the dock and splashing into the still lake, Chet realized the full context of the spontaneous leap. He saw the bare trees reminding him it was still winter and the water would be frigid. Then he saw his buddies scoop up his clothes to run off.

The Stench of Adolescent Boredom

Paul and Austin spent their unsupervised afternoon making flame torches from nearly everything imaginable. Hairspray, flatulence, an even a canister of pepper spray. The stench was horrible and the fumes seemed to be effecting Austin's motor skills. That evening, their father lectured them while subtlety encouraging them to just drink his beer next time.

Twister Did It

"It was a clear day, when out of nowhere a powerful force picked up my truck and tossed it into the tree. Damndest thing you ever saw." - Bradley J. Twister

SI Cover Competition at Its Hottest

Sports Illustrated's swimsuit edition has launched the careers of supermodels like Elle MacPherson, Kathy Ireland, and Tyra Banks. This year was shaping up to be yet another gorgeous woman stealing the spot light from the top athletes of our time. But then Gary crashed the shoot and set the whole magazine on its ear. Who can compete with that?

Exotic Beauty of Exotic Cultures

In the West, this woman would be outcast as hideously unfit for dating. There are just certain standards for beauty that must be met. Regardless of her natural features, a lady can take care of a few small details to fit within the realm of socially acceptable. Shoulder pads in a blouse are just a complete deal breaker. If she fixed that, I couldn't even tell you the nasty things I'd do to her unibrow, rrrooowr.

A Bewildering Success

Whatever the goal was here, it was achieved. Every painful hour in the tattoo parlor, the long search for just the right thong, absolutely paid off. I have no idea what this could be, but it seems like it worked out perfectly. I wish I had thought of it first, whatever it is.

The Folly of Amateur Crocodile Hunting

Animal shows inspired by Steve 'Crocodile Hunter' Irwin, have vastly minimized the dangers of screwing around with crocodiles. This has led to a sharp increase in death and dismemberment of amateur copy cats who seek the thrill of holding down a beautiful croc. Unfortunately these people tend to be family embarrassments, so their horrible deaths are swept under the rug.

Inopportune Motherboard Death

Murphy's law of computer problems states: "The moment you find barely legal asians with a fat white guy fetish, your motherboard will crap out.

The Enduring Patience of "Sexy"

I'm not sure how much longer I can hold this smokin' hot sexy pose. My algebra tutor was supposed to be here an hour ago, and I was going to have him walk into this sex fantasy and let him have his way with my supple teenage body. Today's Tuesday right?

Hottest Lips Ever

Were my lip enhancement surgery to go this horribly wrong, I would always have curly hair. Then I would explain that my lips were burnt and swollen from an accident caused by my champagne filled life of fabulosity, horribly impacting a hot curling iron.

This Relationship Will Fade

Sure it starts out bright, fresh and easy. She's effortlessly beautiful every time you see her, your plans as a couple seem to come from a single mind; you mesh perfectly. But eventually, time and stress start to fade the brilliance and what once was flawless, now is pilled and stained yellow from sleepy head grease.

Day Dreams Should be Grand

Your day dreams are within your control, they should be your grandest and greatest imaginings for yourself. Stunning sexual conquest, astounding business success, inspiring acts of bravery; these are what should fill your idle thoughts. Yet somehow this guy day dreams of himself as-is, which frankly is comfortably sub-par.

Life Imitating Science Fiction

Most recoiled in horror when the alien infant erupted from the torso of it's human incubator in the Sci-Fi horror "Alien." Though, I suppose of the hundreds of thousands of people who've viewed that scene, one could have been a baby clothing designer who saw the simple practicality of it all.

Guess Who's Dad's Favorite

Henry the VIII went through 6th wives trying to get a male heir. Maybe he just needed a loyal dog? I wonder what the daughters are laughing at, though maybe that's the laughter that gets a person through public situations until they can sob in the dark.

How Is the Fantasy Not Ruined on Themselves?

I have dreams about the superheroes I'd like to be, just like any other healthy loser who hates his real life. But I have no illusions that I'm actually that hero. And I think that donning the costume and looking at myself in the mirror would decisively kill that dream at the moment I was supposed to fulfill it. Like having a girlfriend punch your balls right before orgasm... whatever that means.

Friend?

Friend? Hug make better. Bucket of hugs. Me friend, you hug. Don't ignore friend! Put you in bucket with other hugs.

In Texas, This Would Get an A

In order to turn your kid into a homophobic bigot and teach them horrible misinformation, you've got to lay a lot of varsity sex talk on them. How old should he be to broach the topic of  man-horse copulation? Though I guess "too young" is a worthwhile risk to help him avoid horse AIDS.

Total Gonzo Disciples

Inspired by the gonzo journalistic tales of Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, Blake and Cliff dedicated themselves to living on the bad side of weird. One of them will be dead by morning, and the other will have a life changing experience. It's hard to tell if this will be a net "good"; that hinges on whether or not Rolling Stone will publish the article.

Get Your Mind Into the Gutter

So I want to meet a guy, but I keep ending up with platonic friendships. I've tried being forward, and have even been an outright slut, but somehow I give off a gal pal vibe so strong, no men think of me sexually. Well now when they look at me, they can't help but think of pussy. Right? "Meow, let's screw!"

Rogue 'Roo Work Release Program

"Winky" is a success story of the Australian Department of Fish and Wildlife. Wild animals which have become accustomed to human contact, are fully integrated as beasts of burden to avoid conflicts. Winky hasn't kicked anyone to death in weeks and his instincts for deals saves his human a bundle at the grocery store.

"Braceless" Underbite Correction

Orthodonics are a constantly evolving field. Here you see the latest; an anti-microbial plastic tube, expertly wrapped around the mandibles of a patient with a severe underbite. It also gives them "Asian Eyes" and holds on glasses during sports. Welcome to the future!

Third Choice, But He's Still Our Boy

Of course we wanted to adopt a child to share our love and create our family.
But they said no.
So then we resigned ourselves to adopting and raising homeless puppies.
But they said no.
At least we'll be able to raise "Made in China's"

Did You See That Party!!!

The first rule of partying is "Always maintain buzz control." However, good times have a way of getting out of hand, so the REAL first rule of partying is "Don't party with assholes who don't like you." I feel bad for kids who are stuck with the peers that they're dealt. This is not grounds for transferring to a new HS.

Excuse Me, Your Knees are on Backward

You think this is bad, imagine if this had been a hidden camera of this individual on the toilet. Though the camera would have to have been positioned in a place where it would have been gobbled up by a butt cheek... along with the toilet. But seriously, people shouldn't take pictures of each other's asses at Weight Watchers meetings.

Even the Daisy Dukes are Tattooed

You think the back's impressive, you should see what he's had tattooed on the front. I'm not sure if I should be scared or turned on. I guess that's what happens when tough guys rock daisy dukes that go all the way up their ass crack.