Who's the Real Victim Here?

Is the chronically obese child being taken advantage of by the ice cream street hustler? Tapping into his addiction by driving up to his doorstep in a jingly happy wagon full of treats? Or is the lowly street vendor, just trying to make a buck to feed his family, held captive by the monstrous appetite of the chubby baby? I have to ask, where are the parents? They've probably been eaten.

How Much Do You Need?

By my estimates, it would take you two liters of this fine Beefeater Gin to get you to shag me. Wot say you, eh? Two liters? C'mon luv, its not all bad. With the lights off, only my smell is offensive.

One for the Mantle

Many would jump on this as some kind of child endangerment or mock abuse, but don't look too deep. That kid is having a blast and the dad is showing off his martial arts passion. When life flies these happy two, they'll be able to look back on this moment fondly. Even if it really is the moment before dad ripped a wicked punch into the boy's kidneys.

Strike of the Guitar Cherub

As legend foretold, the spilling of wine during the recitation of grace conjured a demonic guitar cherub. Howling and playing acoustic apocalyptical ballads sent the reserved guests into a pornographic tailspin. When the orgy settled down, the food was inedible.

Apparently Stan Lee's a Crack Head

The only way I can come to terms with how horribly Stan Lee whores himself out is to assume that he is an insatiable crack head. Though, with all of his comics, the merchandizing, the movies and appearances, he must smoke all of the crack.

The Devil Can't Sponsor All Rock Bands

It's well known that rock music is a mighty shout at the Devil; a "Thank You" to the master muse of ear splitting riffs and chest pounding drum solos. But any good promoter, be it a mortal or a fallen angel, has to keep a manageable portfolio. "Blood Sausage" goes on stage each night without any damned representation.

Cake Decorating Mishap

The popularity of cutting edge baking is greater than ever. This has pushed young bakers to sometimes dangerous limits. Jonathan was making a 6 ft tall dragon out of red velvet when the creation got out of his control and sent him face first into his stainless steel icing kit. What's so wrong with round yellow cake with chocolate icing? Huh?

Non-Magic Unicorn

When young and full of magic power, unicorns are powerful and beautiful creatures; regal horses that can fly through the sky and vanquish ogres and other evil fucks. But as they age, their power fades, til evenutally they're just non-magic chumps in a halfsie hoodie.

Undocumented Experimentation

Late at night in the lab, the funded experiments are put away, the doors are locked, and the real research begins. Scientists know what we all know, sexual gratification is the only thing anyone really cares about. Is global warming real or a myth? I don't know, but feather's feeling good on my cock is a scientific fact.

Kindness vs. Justice

I know this man is suffering in his "too small" seat, but those around him are suffering too, through no fault of their own. Even if Mr. Big is an innocent victim of uncontrolled weight gain, it's still his cross to bear alone. I'm okay with weight discrimination, as its the only "minority group" that negatively impacts others. No one has a right to more than their share.

Rare Glimpse at Whom Society Shunned

I'm surprised a costly photograph was wasted on this pair of abhorrent creatures. I would have thought time in the studio would have been impossible, what with the angry mobs chasing them and the rocks and burning sticks flying in their direction. Perhaps they used their sweet vintage bike as payment though.

You Are Eaten By What You Ate

The latest horrible freak news from Florida is that sharks have been swimming up sewer pipes and devouring unsuspecting people through the rectum. This is not strange or shocking, considering its Florida.

My Grandfather is a Famous Painter

Julieta Picasso is seen outside a popular Madrid night club. Some say she has elusive beauty, others say she has classical features. But they're all just kissing up to her because of her famous lineage. Ugly is ugly regardless of  how much it goes for at auction.

Incessantly Playing With Himself

He can do pretty much anything with his modified earlobes. Anything except hear his wife's incessant bitching. Though with his focus on decorating and playing with his face, she should have known before marrying him that he'd be slightly more interested in himself than her.

They're Ghostly Really

In an attempt to prevent the dreaded wonky wheel which torments grocery shoppers, offending carts have been strung up in the trees to be pecked by crows, as a morbid warning to their breathren.

The Bigger the Sword, the Bigger the Dork

A big sword costume such as this, inspired by Japanese animation, just doesn't translate >well to real life. At least not when real life is a fat white pud.

Toe Sparring - The Deadliest Game

You've never heard of Toe Sparring because it's highly illegal. The object is to keep your toe sticks intact while snapping off both of your opponents. The victor is the one who succeeds in doing so, or who kills his opponent with a precision kick under the ribs. The sport has an 85% death rate. It's highly illegal.

I'm a Criiime Fighta'

So I was at the market, arguin' wit the butcha about his pork loin, $4.99 a lb is outrageous... what was I talking about? Oh yeah, so I see this man come runnin' down the aisle, and without thinking I threw my coffee at him. He screamed in pain, the manager shows up, turns out the guy was stealing produce! Go figure, huh? I always knew I had a higher purpose.

The Ballad of Lord Panty Feather

Lord Panty Feather,
was the master of the land.
He wore a brush on his lip
and held a beer in his hand.
All did fear him
and cringed when they'd greet,
for his stare was so icy
and he had enormous pants meat.

Short Sighted Kinks

So now that I'm wrapped in duct tape, I've never been more turned on. But how are we going to fuck? What are you doing with my wallet? Oh I see, "I'm fucked".

Eastside Popeye Killaz

When you move gangs from the inner city to the suburbs, much of the gritty street cred is replaced by hours of subliminal TV messaging. The crew led by Richard "Ricky" Baldonado (pictured above) is responsible for TPing three houses, smoking some weed bought off a friend's older brother, and running the 4-way stop in front of the elementary school.

Would You Like to Take the Tour?

...and this is where the chef's kitchen will go, with the dining room adjacent, extending right onto the second floor deck. My plan is for the entire house to be a feat of recycling, made completely of garbage. Though I'm still working on my pants, so the grand opening of "Casa de Trasha" should be sometime in 2025.

Owner and Pet Soul Mates

Brought together by their mutual hatred of dogs, Ancient Elm and his beloved companion Smokey enjoy a quiet moment at home together. Dogs may be Man's best friend, but trees and cats have been intertwined since the dawn of time. Though recently, well meaning firemen have been ripping them from their passioned embraces.

Woman Carries Fetus for 32 Years

Determined to make the cover of one of her beloved Supermarket news magazines, Chris Henry nurtured the precious life in her womb, conceived in 1979. A careful diet and a dangerous regimen of black market drugs will hopefully set a freak record that can never be broken.

War Zone Photography Training

With dreams of leaving his West Virginia trailer park to see the world, Curtis O'Malley, follows a grueling training program for becoming an embedded photographer. His cousins are more than happy to shoot at him.

In Shape for the Job

Gary Johannsen is claustrophobic and hated having to go down the manhole as part of his job for the electric company. After closely reviewing state employment policies, employee rights, and legal precedence, he ate his ass just beyond the circumference of the standard opening; unable to fit through, yet unable to be fired for weight discrimination.

She's Satisfied, my Tongue is Tired

Men are typically the headstrong leaders in a relationship. They use their masculine reason, backed by confidence and physical strength to sway decision making. They'd be incorrigible bullies if they weren't tempered by their childish sexual drives. "Waist Up Wally" is incorrigible.

You've Got to Coordinate

The key to new fashion is not that it looks good, it never does, but that means something. Coordination is an excellent way to give your look meaning, because it just makes sense unto itself. See the matching shirts? See the way those pink shades pop off the pink bra bursting out of her shirt? It just...makes...sense.

Hi, I'm the New Sales Manager

On Ryko Ono's first day as Sales Manager for Eastern Sanitary Supply, he wanted to make a lasting impression. With one swift strike of his sword, he lopped off the head of Cheryl Alexander, the lowest performer from the previous quarter. After all, he was a Samurai.

Unlimited Firepower

This Uzi is a state of the art assault rifle. It can take down practically any living thing: man, cow, elephant and even rhinocerous. If you've got one of these bad boys in your hands then you can protect yourself from any danger... unless I'm charging at you full speed.

You've Got Two Seconds to Escape

I'm gonna count to two, and if you're still here, I'm gonna grab you and smooch all over your ass! One... you better run, you sexy fuck. You're strong, but I'm stronger. One and a half... I need this more than you don't want this. And.... two.

Big Ups to the Poor Kids

It used to be that most kids wore homemade costumes; displaying their creativity, ingenuity and ability to disguise their identities. Now, Halloween is a parade of store bought monstrosities that create unoriginal brats trying to one up each other with their parents' money... just like the son of a bitch in the Patches the Clown costume... spoiled-assed mother fucking kid.

Caught Making Out

We weren't making out behind the gym. Why would you think that? I've got what on my face? His makeup? Fuuuck I hate dating clowns.

Fallout from High Priced Air Travel

People are going to great lengths to save money on air travel these days. But really, how did you expect your underwear and bricks of hashish to drag your ass through the terminal? Next time, balloon swallow the drugs and save the carry on fee.

Crapra-Adabra

One must be aware of using iconographic items for other uses. The Compact disc will forever be known as a stepping stone for digital storage in popular use at the turn of 21st century. It is not magic, it is not amazing, and unless you're a scarecrow, it is not a fashion accessory.

Indie-struction

Brock Winters set out to make a bold Indie film with a summer blockbuster feel. In the process he destroyed a public park and nearly killed his girlfriend. Trust fund... gone in a blaze of glory.

Where Do You Think Your Meat Comes From?

If you're going to stuff your face with fast food burgers, you should at least be honest with yourself about where they come from. We live in a pampered, sheltered society with our food pre-packaged and shipped to the store for our convenience. Well wake up, it's a McPerson!

One Person's Joke is Another's Wish

Carl Jr. loves his mother, so his pretending to choke her as the camera captured the moment was truly an hilarious "wacky pose." However, given half a chance, Candace would have carried through on the motion. "I'm not a whore, I'm your daughter! Die you soulless cunt!"

Outlaw Kayaker

Gary "Pops" McKeever takes a break and lets the currents carry him for a while. A lone and rugged individual on the high seas, not associated with any clubs, he lives a pure outlaw lifestyle in international waters. The high he gets from ultimate freedom is only tempered by the lack of "mommas".

Its a Small Subversive World

Although the nefarious scheme was quickly thwarted by the FBI, had fate taken a slightly different path, Walt Disney would have succeeded in replacing middle class America with consumerist robots. Now excuse me while I buy a new mobile phone, mine is 4 months old.

Fun, Flair, Fingernails!

Why just chew on your boring old gritty, tasteless nails, when you can spruce them up with flavor! Snack on your favorite, fruit flavored, breakfast cereals all day, gnawing away your hunger and your stress. (caution, nose picking may cause sever hemorrhaging)

Finally Got the Right Angle!

I've been taking photographs all night, trying to find the perfect angle for the cock-shot text I want to send to this hot chick I work with. Just about everything made my dick look small though, and deep in my heart I know that can't be true so I kept trying new and more difficult poses. Until finally, this one makes my package look enormous.
@Cleo: "Think u can handle this? Its Gabe from sales."

Your Dad's Hitting on Me Again

Having a gay dad is great. He's caring, patient, and open in ways that my friends' Dad's never are. And really we're just a normal family most of the time. The only drawback is his interest in the guys I'm dating. I'd love for him just once to threaten them with violence if they touch my body, instead of inviting them to touch his.

No One Takes Nazis Seriously Anymore

Despite walking in the crowded streets of  Bangalore, calling for racial purity and the rise of the 4th Reich, Indians don't take Nazis seriously. No one does anymore, why should they, wearing wacky getups like this. The lesson is that a good Fascist movement needs a compelling and personable mad man to lead it, and they're all tied up in reality TV shows.

Flight of the Hog Prince

When conditions are just right in the southern woodlands, the Hog Prince will emerge and run whimsically amongst the Poplar trunks. "Whheeeeeeeeee", he shrieks in porcine delight. The mysterious Hog Prince, delicious when cooked on an open pit.

Solar Defense, Clothing Offense

I can light the earth from the ground up. My body can warm the soil, nourish plants, and chase away the shadows that obscure man's great vision. And though I won't give you cancer, you may want to rip your eyes out, so weigh those factors in your energy resource decisions.

Suspect Identified

A rash of convenience store robberies has terrorized our sleepy village. Authorities have identified a single suspect and are in hot pursuit. Be on the look out for a white male, 5'11", dark hair, beard, sunglasses, ass where cock should be. Can be seen walking awkwardly and running into things.

With Great Power Comes Great Appetite

After donning the corrupt black spider suit, Peter Parker neglected his duties as an unlicensed crime fighter and used his web slinging abilities and spidey senses to raid the many popular food carts around New York. The Daily Bugle skewered the wayward hero with the headline, "Wider-Man Stuffs Face, While Crooks Stuff Pockets"

TIE Fighter Simulator

Stay on my wing trooper, I'm going after the Millennium Falcon. Hyper speed... engage!
I said, fucking hyper speed! Push harder Lou!

Early Thaw Wreaks Havoc On Toy Industry

"My sleigh got stuck about a half mile back. Barely got the reindeer loose before the water overtook her."
"'Tis a shame dear brother. This rain will put a big dent in off season production. We can only hope for a low numbers of good boys and girls this Christmas."
"Ho Ho Ho to that my friend."