Pet - Owner Lookalikes

They say owners and pets often resemble one another. I think it's fine if it's a natural coincidence, but trying to force the familiarity is just sick. That is, unless there's money in it.

Exponential Value

What's 50% off of 50% off, of 50% off? Nothing.
Likewise there is no value in this store other than the satisfaction of the deal. With the proprietor than being a satisfaction monger, why is this legal and prostitution is not? What a world.

Buick LeShark

If you're waiting for American car companies to get the classic automobile right on their own, then I have a rare statue that stands in the middle of the Hudson river that I'd like to sell you. Take matters into your own hands and make the car that owns the road, or the sea, or the trailer park.

Special Weapons and Tigers

When you join S.W.A.T you're signing up to face the sickest shit society can throw at you. A meth addled tiger with an apartment full of hostages takes sick shit, to the highest levels of shit sickness.

Don't Deny Your Midget

Whatever you call the the tiny person you own and drag around town as a fashion accessory, they are a person. If you think leopard print looks hot, why would you deny them that simple good of life?

Waiting Games

People cope with waiting rooms in many ways. Some come prepared with books or magazines to read. Others maximize the utility of their smartphones to kill time. And some use the wait as a much needed life time-out, where they just kick back, relax and let it all hang out.

Eat Your Hearts Out Fashionistas

It's well known that inside of any fashion conscious person is a horribly tormented food addict. This little number will be a staple in the wardrobe of every woman who cares about her appearance when she's out in the world; she'll be wearing this when she's home alone, sobbing into the food that can't fill the emptiness in her life.

M.C. Escher is On the Loose

His prints boggle the mind with their disoriented perspectives. One wonders where his inspiration came from, until you meet M.C. Escher and see that he's just documenting his daily life, a life where he defies all natural laws!

What is Your Child's Potential?

One of these young men is a talented, innovative winner who has a bright future and will live a full and exciting life. The other young man holds pumpkins on his head for his friend to pull off amazing stunts. No parent wants to think their child is a disposable prop for the other kids to use, but there it is.

Blame Shawn White

Sure Shawn White isn't known for BMX riding, but no one knows those losers anyhow so any "X Sport" is directly associated with the flying tomato. Anyhow, its not enough for Mr. White to tell his fans to not try his stunts at home, he should discourage them from even attempting the basics of his sports, because kids are a bunch of sucky spazzes who will get hurt. Picture proof.

Horrible Side Effects of Fertility Drugs

Karen and Greg Wahonsack turned to powerful fertility treatments when they had trouble conceiving a child. Their doctor warned them to expect multiples, but no one predicted this horrendous outcome. At first they tried naming all of the segments, but after it devoured three Nannies, they just referred to it as "Baby Monstropede."

This is Practical

Streamline security checks - nothing to hide, nothing to seek
Sensible sweater top comes off when its hot, goes on when its cold
Free movement for squeezing around tight aisles and seats
Attracting eligible gay pilots, and anyone else with even modest gay inclinations

Oral Office Internship

Trevor faithfully fills a time honored role in the White House, executed since the time of the Clinton administration. To relieve pressure on the Chief Executive to commit deviant sex acts during moments of workaday boredom, Trevor takes care of those duties from his secret cubby. He masterfully molests all manner of Oval Office visitors, leaving no culpability to stain the President.

Picture Cropped Too Short

When viewing this photo, my first instinct was to scroll down. I'm not sure if I was fleeing what was visible, or if I was hungry for what wasn't. All I know is that it is an injustice that its cropped across his chest.

Public School Success Story

The basic concepts of procreation are intact; mutual attraction leads to sexual intercourse, which creates an embryo that grows into a child. Okay so the English is a little shoddy, but you can't expect kids to pay attention in classes that aren't about fucking.

Too Much? Not for home defense it's not.

If you have to choose between an intruder and your family, you will always choose your family. That kind of certainty should be delivered in an hellacious barrage of ammunition that turns a would be cat burgler into a mound of cat food.

Masks: Expensive, Unnecessary

You can obscure your identity just as effectively with a handful of rubberbands as you can with a costly mask. If you've tried pantyhose then you know how confining that is. Face paint can lead to breakouts. Rubberbands may bite into your flesh and break suddenly with stinging snaps, but they're really effective and affordable.

Natural Justice

The poachers had been enjoying the morning, walking through the jungle exchanging stories of women and drink from the previous night. Excitement grew for the paychecks they knew would soon be theirs after a succesful hunt. Their boisterous laughter hid the silence that fell over the jungle as they entered the leopard's ambush.

Elegance Multiplied

You could seductively draw upon a single cigarette; silently telling the room that you are above them all, that you demand a truly captivating person to merit your attentions. Or you could use the "Whole-Pack Dragger" to shock and awe both the prudes and your lungs.

Failed Pioneer of Mobile Entertainment

Wireless electronics for personal entertainment are hugely popular. You can watch movies and television, listen to music, and browse the internet from several different mobile devices today. Though forseeing this in 1953, Ernest Kleinfelter failed to successfully market his picture glasses.

Typical British Vehicle

This is really pushing the citizen drop off limits for the county dump. Though I supposed no trash pickup service would be able to haul this away either. Personally, I think more people should just bury stuff in their back yards.

That One Stubborn Little Muscle

There's the little guy. I've got Keith working out 5 hours a day, 7 days a week and taking every supplement I can legally get my hands on. The boy is utterly ripped, all except that little guy. So doc, what can you do to pump it up? We're going for Mr. Universe, not Ms.

The Diminishing Value of Diversity

Urban areas are undoubtedly rich in diversity; of culture, of art, food, people, pretty much every aspect of society is in varied and beautiful abundance. However, as diversity reaches its limits, the value diminishes to the point where you cross different for the sake of being different and enter "unwanted different." Whether you're in a gated suburb or The Castro, Pedophiles are "unwanted different."

Elephant Seal Mating Rituals

When onshore, the males are limited in their movements. So to attract mates they rely on subtle displays of power. Massive gold chains are an effective way to express, "I have loads of money and no common sense." Two of the most sought after traits by female Italian Elephant Seals.

The Trifecta of Perfection

What more could you ask for in a woman than an unhealthy attachment to her father, reveling in being white trash, and of course, Star Wars. Just imagine the mountaintop moment you'll have when your watcing Empire in your trailer, with her dad passed out on the dinette bench and you whisper in her ear "Hey Courtney, give me a Han job." And then she reaches in your pants and starts stroking your wookie.

You Look Lost

Where are you headed? I'm not sure how to get there, but I can tell you how to get... here.  All roads lead to Ramone.

Who's the Real Victim Here?

Is the chronically obese child being taken advantage of by the ice cream street hustler? Tapping into his addiction by driving up to his doorstep in a jingly happy wagon full of treats? Or is the lowly street vendor, just trying to make a buck to feed his family, held captive by the monstrous appetite of the chubby baby? I have to ask, where are the parents? They've probably been eaten.

How Much Do You Need?

By my estimates, it would take you two liters of this fine Beefeater Gin to get you to shag me. Wot say you, eh? Two liters? C'mon luv, its not all bad. With the lights off, only my smell is offensive.

One for the Mantle

Many would jump on this as some kind of child endangerment or mock abuse, but don't look too deep. That kid is having a blast and the dad is showing off his martial arts passion. When life flies these happy two, they'll be able to look back on this moment fondly. Even if it really is the moment before dad ripped a wicked punch into the boy's kidneys.

Strike of the Guitar Cherub

As legend foretold, the spilling of wine during the recitation of grace conjured a demonic guitar cherub. Howling and playing acoustic apocalyptical ballads sent the reserved guests into a pornographic tailspin. When the orgy settled down, the food was inedible.

Apparently Stan Lee's a Crack Head

The only way I can come to terms with how horribly Stan Lee whores himself out is to assume that he is an insatiable crack head. Though, with all of his comics, the merchandizing, the movies and appearances, he must smoke all of the crack.

The Devil Can't Sponsor All Rock Bands

It's well known that rock music is a mighty shout at the Devil; a "Thank You" to the master muse of ear splitting riffs and chest pounding drum solos. But any good promoter, be it a mortal or a fallen angel, has to keep a manageable portfolio. "Blood Sausage" goes on stage each night without any damned representation.

Cake Decorating Mishap

The popularity of cutting edge baking is greater than ever. This has pushed young bakers to sometimes dangerous limits. Jonathan was making a 6 ft tall dragon out of red velvet when the creation got out of his control and sent him face first into his stainless steel icing kit. What's so wrong with round yellow cake with chocolate icing? Huh?

Non-Magic Unicorn

When young and full of magic power, unicorns are powerful and beautiful creatures; regal horses that can fly through the sky and vanquish ogres and other evil fucks. But as they age, their power fades, til evenutally they're just non-magic chumps in a halfsie hoodie.

Undocumented Experimentation

Late at night in the lab, the funded experiments are put away, the doors are locked, and the real research begins. Scientists know what we all know, sexual gratification is the only thing anyone really cares about. Is global warming real or a myth? I don't know, but feather's feeling good on my cock is a scientific fact.

Kindness vs. Justice

I know this man is suffering in his "too small" seat, but those around him are suffering too, through no fault of their own. Even if Mr. Big is an innocent victim of uncontrolled weight gain, it's still his cross to bear alone. I'm okay with weight discrimination, as its the only "minority group" that negatively impacts others. No one has a right to more than their share.

Rare Glimpse at Whom Society Shunned

I'm surprised a costly photograph was wasted on this pair of abhorrent creatures. I would have thought time in the studio would have been impossible, what with the angry mobs chasing them and the rocks and burning sticks flying in their direction. Perhaps they used their sweet vintage bike as payment though.

You Are Eaten By What You Ate

The latest horrible freak news from Florida is that sharks have been swimming up sewer pipes and devouring unsuspecting people through the rectum. This is not strange or shocking, considering its Florida.

My Grandfather is a Famous Painter

Julieta Picasso is seen outside a popular Madrid night club. Some say she has elusive beauty, others say she has classical features. But they're all just kissing up to her because of her famous lineage. Ugly is ugly regardless of  how much it goes for at auction.

Incessantly Playing With Himself

He can do pretty much anything with his modified earlobes. Anything except hear his wife's incessant bitching. Though with his focus on decorating and playing with his face, she should have known before marrying him that he'd be slightly more interested in himself than her.

They're Ghostly Really

In an attempt to prevent the dreaded wonky wheel which torments grocery shoppers, offending carts have been strung up in the trees to be pecked by crows, as a morbid warning to their breathren.

The Bigger the Sword, the Bigger the Dork

A big sword costume such as this, inspired by Japanese animation, just doesn't translate >well to real life. At least not when real life is a fat white pud.

Toe Sparring - The Deadliest Game

You've never heard of Toe Sparring because it's highly illegal. The object is to keep your toe sticks intact while snapping off both of your opponents. The victor is the one who succeeds in doing so, or who kills his opponent with a precision kick under the ribs. The sport has an 85% death rate. It's highly illegal.

I'm a Criiime Fighta'

So I was at the market, arguin' wit the butcha about his pork loin, $4.99 a lb is outrageous... what was I talking about? Oh yeah, so I see this man come runnin' down the aisle, and without thinking I threw my coffee at him. He screamed in pain, the manager shows up, turns out the guy was stealing produce! Go figure, huh? I always knew I had a higher purpose.

The Ballad of Lord Panty Feather

Lord Panty Feather,
was the master of the land.
He wore a brush on his lip
and held a beer in his hand.
All did fear him
and cringed when they'd greet,
for his stare was so icy
and he had enormous pants meat.

Short Sighted Kinks

So now that I'm wrapped in duct tape, I've never been more turned on. But how are we going to fuck? What are you doing with my wallet? Oh I see, "I'm fucked".

Eastside Popeye Killaz

When you move gangs from the inner city to the suburbs, much of the gritty street cred is replaced by hours of subliminal TV messaging. The crew led by Richard "Ricky" Baldonado (pictured above) is responsible for TPing three houses, smoking some weed bought off a friend's older brother, and running the 4-way stop in front of the elementary school.

Would You Like to Take the Tour?

...and this is where the chef's kitchen will go, with the dining room adjacent, extending right onto the second floor deck. My plan is for the entire house to be a feat of recycling, made completely of garbage. Though I'm still working on my pants, so the grand opening of "Casa de Trasha" should be sometime in 2025.

Owner and Pet Soul Mates

Brought together by their mutual hatred of dogs, Ancient Elm and his beloved companion Smokey enjoy a quiet moment at home together. Dogs may be Man's best friend, but trees and cats have been intertwined since the dawn of time. Though recently, well meaning firemen have been ripping them from their passioned embraces.

Woman Carries Fetus for 32 Years

Determined to make the cover of one of her beloved Supermarket news magazines, Chris Henry nurtured the precious life in her womb, conceived in 1979. A careful diet and a dangerous regimen of black market drugs will hopefully set a freak record that can never be broken.