War Zone Photography Training

With dreams of leaving his West Virginia trailer park to see the world, Curtis O'Malley, follows a grueling training program for becoming an embedded photographer. His cousins are more than happy to shoot at him.

In Shape for the Job

Gary Johannsen is claustrophobic and hated having to go down the manhole as part of his job for the electric company. After closely reviewing state employment policies, employee rights, and legal precedence, he ate his ass just beyond the circumference of the standard opening; unable to fit through, yet unable to be fired for weight discrimination.

She's Satisfied, my Tongue is Tired

Men are typically the headstrong leaders in a relationship. They use their masculine reason, backed by confidence and physical strength to sway decision making. They'd be incorrigible bullies if they weren't tempered by their childish sexual drives. "Waist Up Wally" is incorrigible.

You've Got to Coordinate

The key to new fashion is not that it looks good, it never does, but that means something. Coordination is an excellent way to give your look meaning, because it just makes sense unto itself. See the matching shirts? See the way those pink shades pop off the pink bra bursting out of her shirt? It just...makes...sense.

Hi, I'm the New Sales Manager

On Ryko Ono's first day as Sales Manager for Eastern Sanitary Supply, he wanted to make a lasting impression. With one swift strike of his sword, he lopped off the head of Cheryl Alexander, the lowest performer from the previous quarter. After all, he was a Samurai.

Unlimited Firepower

This Uzi is a state of the art assault rifle. It can take down practically any living thing: man, cow, elephant and even rhinocerous. If you've got one of these bad boys in your hands then you can protect yourself from any danger... unless I'm charging at you full speed.

You've Got Two Seconds to Escape

I'm gonna count to two, and if you're still here, I'm gonna grab you and smooch all over your ass! One... you better run, you sexy fuck. You're strong, but I'm stronger. One and a half... I need this more than you don't want this. And.... two.

Big Ups to the Poor Kids

It used to be that most kids wore homemade costumes; displaying their creativity, ingenuity and ability to disguise their identities. Now, Halloween is a parade of store bought monstrosities that create unoriginal brats trying to one up each other with their parents' money... just like the son of a bitch in the Patches the Clown costume... spoiled-assed mother fucking kid.

Caught Making Out

We weren't making out behind the gym. Why would you think that? I've got what on my face? His makeup? Fuuuck I hate dating clowns.

Fallout from High Priced Air Travel

People are going to great lengths to save money on air travel these days. But really, how did you expect your underwear and bricks of hashish to drag your ass through the terminal? Next time, balloon swallow the drugs and save the carry on fee.

Crapra-Adabra

One must be aware of using iconographic items for other uses. The Compact disc will forever be known as a stepping stone for digital storage in popular use at the turn of 21st century. It is not magic, it is not amazing, and unless you're a scarecrow, it is not a fashion accessory.

Indie-struction

Brock Winters set out to make a bold Indie film with a summer blockbuster feel. In the process he destroyed a public park and nearly killed his girlfriend. Trust fund... gone in a blaze of glory.

Where Do You Think Your Meat Comes From?

If you're going to stuff your face with fast food burgers, you should at least be honest with yourself about where they come from. We live in a pampered, sheltered society with our food pre-packaged and shipped to the store for our convenience. Well wake up, it's a McPerson!

One Person's Joke is Another's Wish

Carl Jr. loves his mother, so his pretending to choke her as the camera captured the moment was truly an hilarious "wacky pose." However, given half a chance, Candace would have carried through on the motion. "I'm not a whore, I'm your daughter! Die you soulless cunt!"

Outlaw Kayaker

Gary "Pops" McKeever takes a break and lets the currents carry him for a while. A lone and rugged individual on the high seas, not associated with any clubs, he lives a pure outlaw lifestyle in international waters. The high he gets from ultimate freedom is only tempered by the lack of "mommas".

Its a Small Subversive World

Although the nefarious scheme was quickly thwarted by the FBI, had fate taken a slightly different path, Walt Disney would have succeeded in replacing middle class America with consumerist robots. Now excuse me while I buy a new mobile phone, mine is 4 months old.

Fun, Flair, Fingernails!

Why just chew on your boring old gritty, tasteless nails, when you can spruce them up with flavor! Snack on your favorite, fruit flavored, breakfast cereals all day, gnawing away your hunger and your stress. (caution, nose picking may cause sever hemorrhaging)

Finally Got the Right Angle!

I've been taking photographs all night, trying to find the perfect angle for the cock-shot text I want to send to this hot chick I work with. Just about everything made my dick look small though, and deep in my heart I know that can't be true so I kept trying new and more difficult poses. Until finally, this one makes my package look enormous.
@Cleo: "Think u can handle this? Its Gabe from sales."

Your Dad's Hitting on Me Again

Having a gay dad is great. He's caring, patient, and open in ways that my friends' Dad's never are. And really we're just a normal family most of the time. The only drawback is his interest in the guys I'm dating. I'd love for him just once to threaten them with violence if they touch my body, instead of inviting them to touch his.

No One Takes Nazis Seriously Anymore

Despite walking in the crowded streets of  Bangalore, calling for racial purity and the rise of the 4th Reich, Indians don't take Nazis seriously. No one does anymore, why should they, wearing wacky getups like this. The lesson is that a good Fascist movement needs a compelling and personable mad man to lead it, and they're all tied up in reality TV shows.

Flight of the Hog Prince

When conditions are just right in the southern woodlands, the Hog Prince will emerge and run whimsically amongst the Poplar trunks. "Whheeeeeeeeee", he shrieks in porcine delight. The mysterious Hog Prince, delicious when cooked on an open pit.

Solar Defense, Clothing Offense

I can light the earth from the ground up. My body can warm the soil, nourish plants, and chase away the shadows that obscure man's great vision. And though I won't give you cancer, you may want to rip your eyes out, so weigh those factors in your energy resource decisions.

Suspect Identified

A rash of convenience store robberies has terrorized our sleepy village. Authorities have identified a single suspect and are in hot pursuit. Be on the look out for a white male, 5'11", dark hair, beard, sunglasses, ass where cock should be. Can be seen walking awkwardly and running into things.

With Great Power Comes Great Appetite

After donning the corrupt black spider suit, Peter Parker neglected his duties as an unlicensed crime fighter and used his web slinging abilities and spidey senses to raid the many popular food carts around New York. The Daily Bugle skewered the wayward hero with the headline, "Wider-Man Stuffs Face, While Crooks Stuff Pockets"

TIE Fighter Simulator

Stay on my wing trooper, I'm going after the Millennium Falcon. Hyper speed... engage!
I said, fucking hyper speed! Push harder Lou!

Early Thaw Wreaks Havoc On Toy Industry

"My sleigh got stuck about a half mile back. Barely got the reindeer loose before the water overtook her."
"'Tis a shame dear brother. This rain will put a big dent in off season production. We can only hope for a low numbers of good boys and girls this Christmas."
"Ho Ho Ho to that my friend."

Homemade Teletubby Costume

It's hard to determine if the near-miss is that this costume isn't really a teletubby, that the aforementioned children's show is no longer relevant, or their father's failed attempt at pulling out one drunk night 17 years ago.

Fish Tale

It was the biggest damn fish I'd ever caught. I fought it for an hour before it finally gave up and I hauled it into the boat. That's when blinding pain shot into my eye, and I kicked and screamed in pain in the bottom of that boat, my wife over me screaming, "You cheating bastard!" I should have gone with the guys... or my girlfriend.

Hit That Shit Gramma!

At first I thought I was busted, but my Gram didn't toss out my bowl because she was punishing me. Instead, like some sort of pot ninja, she made this bong. Then as she let out a monster hit she said, "...and its just household items, so you take it apart when you're cashed and the fucking narcs can't get you for shit."

Love is Blind, Loathing is Masked

It is I who am ashamed, not my lover Rodrigo. While I am drastically more beautiful than he, I cover my face, for I have failed to be even more beautiful so to have a young and wealthy man. With Rodrigo, my beauty is a waste, so I give the world this mask. I wish it to be a plastic bag to end my misery.

A Stay-cation in Flavor Country

The price of everything is rising while the job market gets worse and worse everyday. Even the price of a pack of cigarettes is outrageous; unjust taxes have penalized the modest pursuit of 20 little moments to oneself, an unprovoked attack on simple pleasures. But, when compared to a plane ticket to a popular vacation spot, cigarettes can be consumed like candy.

Our Right Flank is Weak

The aggressive push for social awareness and understanding of just how incredible people with "special needs" can be, should be focused in appropriate areas. As painting a wide swath for tolerance has led to disastrous weaknesses in our national defense. Keep these brave young men in the private sector.

This Street's Dead Man

I gotta talk to Leroy about getting a new corner. I'm freakin' dying out here. Doesn't anyone in this city need a BJ?

Oh Man, Chick Bands Are Hot!

"Dude, these chicks are actually rocking! Holy crap, I love the singer, wait no the bassist, or maybe the drummer. I love metal and chicks, oh man, oh man, oh, oh, oh, oh...!"

Upping One's Game to "Privatized"

Ken had been competing in the chum-filled waters of the bar and club scene for years. Sure he scored ladies on the regular, but only through tremendous effort and loss of resources. But when he hired bartenders to refer prime skank back to his place, his numbers shot way up.

First Prize Costume

This is a pretty good clown costume don't you think? Well, it's not just pretty good, it's first fuckin' place. There were a lot of good costumes, but I went up to the fat bitch running the contest and told her "Give me first place or I'll fucking stab your tits." And it worked! Can you believe that? Scared of a clown costume!

Third World Simple Pleasures

The beauty of the third world isn't in the weathered faces of the people or the squalid living conditions. It's in the simple things that make life enjoyable, the stories, the games, and the fellowship. Basically anything to distract from the fact that they're all dying of typhoid.

What's a "Dial-Up-Do" Alex

Isn't it enough to just be gay? I accept you as you are. There is no need for attempts to be outrageous or over the top or madcap. It's time for us all to just be people. Just look at Alex Trebek, he dresses and acts just like a regular dude, but that doesn't make him any less gay.

Your Turn Brah

The guy tossing the mallet carelessly into his friend's face will certainly follow up the jackass move by blaming the victim. "Awwww dude, you should have been paying attention!"

Rookie She-He Mistake

The beginner is compelled to makeup both halves in creating their She-He masterpiece. But restraint should be the mantra; use your natural gender and appearance to its fullest, you're already half a guy, don't redo that.

Savor the Upside

With the tragic death of his brother, Kevin Buttnick's mourning rapid turned to joy at the prospect of having the room all to himself. When asked how he was doing, he replied, "It's going to be tough rearranging the room, but the extra space for my ball python will be sweet!"

Soul Mate Sighting

Imagine being at a concert for your favorite band and you find a hottie with a hairdo that matches your goattee. This is your once in a lifetime encounter with your soul mate. You could nuzzle up and disappear into each other, no seperation between your two bodies. In finding your perfect match, your only question is, "Can I turn gay to fulfill my true love destiny?"

Midas Crotch

That's a picture of my wife. Ha! Just kidding. Nah, you can't cage this lion. I prowl the clubs, anointing women with my sex talent. I used to wear jeans, but I felt like I was insulting my crotch, so now it's wrapped in gold.

Victim of an Armed Citizenry

Look man, I'm the victim here, you know? I was just minding my own, and that crazy Indian dude started shooting at me. Damn near shot me in the head too. Man, I want to press charges on HIM. What's happened to this country? Used to be you robbed a store and just got punched in the ear a couple of times.

That's Not a USB Port!

As you can see I've equipped myself with a full set of digital storage devices and audio/visual display accessories. I've essentially become the CPU of a high tech data archive...what kind of data? Um, well, porn.

Inseparable Couple

We're soul mates whose chakras have combined into a single spirit being. We literally go everywhere together, because several of our body piercings have interlocked. Please help.

DJ Sand Krab

Feeling like he was rotting away in smoky, sweaty clubs with drunk partiers disgracing the beats he was spinning, DJ Koma moved his talents outside. Now he melts sand into glass with Hot House music.
"Hmm, this crowd needs more boom to get their asses droppin' on the fl..fl..fl..fllloooooorrr..or.or.or.or. unst unst unst"

Double Threat from the Outer Reaches

Glaar Kgnafk travelled light years across the galaxy to forge intergalactic commonalities among sentient beings, and to exude blistering trash metal guitar riffs. Unfortunately his warlike Klingon instincts have led him on blood lust binges inciting riots in small club venues where ever he goes, eroding his credibility as a statesman.

Tickle Tickle Tickle

"Hey kid, look at me, I'm all small and dressed like your favorite thing or whatever. Heeeey don't cry baby, I will tickle you. Here comes tickles... tickle, tickle! Why are you still crying? Who do I have to blow to cheer you up? Christ."

Carefully Laid Backview Trap

On a daily basis, a half dozen or more straight guys will inadvertently check this dude's ass out. It's no accidental female presentation from an overzealous mullet, this "behind lady" visage is purposeful. Notice the mom jeans, notice the tote bag, and softness of the hair as well as the roundness of the buttocks... oh god, I just fell into it.