I'm Getting Out of Here

I'm going to college and moving far away as soon as I can. This whole family thinks I'm weird for studying Eastern religions, meanwhile no one says shit about my cousin Trish using a hoodie to breast feed her baby "Nevaeh" at her boyfriend Jamarcus' coming home from being in jail for selling Meth party.

Snapshot of the Modern Nerd

The modern nerd has left the basement and found numerous spectacular social gatherings at which to peacock around expressing their warped world view. How to remedy this? Build modest homes for widows atop convention centers, then board the doors shut at the peak of the next comic, furry, star trek, network security or other such convention, creating a new breed of super basement.

Sweetenin the Single Mother Deal

You'll need more than a handful of cash to overcome your crying baby baggage. You won't be datable until that kid can spend months away at camp. That is unless you're also offering the 3 hole.

Avant Garde Social Scientist

Felipe LaRouge is pictured before headed to a discotech to test his theories on sexual attraction and alcohol consumption. Following the law of "Beer Goggles" he hypothesizes that he'll be able to hook up with 65% of men who've had 14 or more drinks. He still seeks a grant for his research.

Carve Your Place in Rock History

Ichabod O'Malley spent 4 years painstakingly carving a full set of instruments for an epic rock band. While impressive, his work has just yet begun, since he still needs to carve a band, a record label, and tens of thousands of fans.

Tres Amigos

These three boys have been best friends since they were babies. They're as close as brothers, having shared nearly every important moment of their lives. That's why Alex had a sex change, so they could get as close as two people can, or three sometimes, but it hurts.

She Wears the Pants in the Family

He's a giver, she's a taker and taker and taker... With the force of a swarm of locusts, she devours everything in her path, swelling with the consumption, as well as expanding her clothing to allow more room to grow.

Kiddie-at Heart-Pool

Refreshing backyard water play on a hot summer day is one of the best moments of childhood and is sure to evoke fond memories in any adult. Of course being wasted on malt liquor helps, but the urine to kiddie pool volume ratio is simply disgusting.

Old War Wound?

"Smuggling a gun in my rectum? Oh no, that's from the war. I was crossing the Rhine when the Krauts popped out of the grass and starting cutting down GIs with relentless machine gun fire. I dove into a ditch and somehow, my pistol..."
"Sir, you're 35."
"I meant, that's a novelty chocolate pistol I just ate."

Parental Misguidance

What do you want to talk about Mom? How smoking weed is somehow NOT awesome, when it clearly is? Do you want to talk about how I should focus on my future, which will be ripped from my control with every life milestone: job, marriage, children, middle aged heart attack... Or how about you just let me get stoned and be happy every day for the rest of my life.

The Worst Transformer

Little known Decepticon "Garbarger" displays one of his typically inept attempts to menace the humans. Never achieving more than petty damage, Megatron doesn't call anymore.

Incredible Strength

The strength of this father, physically to hold his enormous child so seemingly effortless, and to love the child despite his shocking obesity, is only matched by the strength of the child's hunger for Snickers.

Japanese Moose Trap

One of the most destructive invasive species to enter North American gardens is the Japanese Moose. They devour nearly everything an amateur gardener grows, leaving denuded limbs and large fecal piles in their wake. However, their demand for water makes them vulnerable to standard, humongous water traps.

Wheel in the Gutter

It's sad to see a crap hand in life piled on with more bad luck. It would be nice if we could be assured of smooth sailing after having paid our dues of surviving tragic twists of fate. But we don't have that promise, so we have heroin.

Stop Staring at Me

What constitutes "staring at someone"? Is there a standard time of unbroken eye contact that defines it? Leering, ogling, checking out, glaring, adoring; these are all staring sub genres with good and bad connotations, so perhaps its not time, but style/quality that defines it? Though when it boils down, I don't want this dude looking at me for any amount of time.

This is My Date, Oh Yeah.

"Check him out, he's like a dude snack, oh yeah."
"My lady is a mountain of sexy, ooooh yeaaah."
"That tie better be proportional, ooooooh yeeeeeaah."
"You know it woman! Ooooooo ooo ooh Yeeeeaaaaaah!"

Unfashionable Lesbians

It's a shame that the heightened fashion sense so common in gay men doesn't occur in gay women as well. Else this pair could have worn outfits that were tasteful and attractive and let their natural lesbianism shine through on its own. Instead they try too hard with these duct tape numbers.

Spoiled Peaces of Shit

We get it, your dads are a couple of super wealthy sons of bitches who bought each of your undeserving asses a Mercedes Benz for your 16th birthdays. You're rich kids, probably the coolest couple in school. But you might want to rent some James Spader movies to learn how to be an arrogant rich prick, this outfit is tacky.

He Will Feed Me to the Lions

My man, he has passion for the cats; big ones, exotic ones, and even cute little pet ones. I am but an accessory for the inconvenient social life he's forced to maintain as a wealthy businessman; he only truly has cares for his cats. I do not cross him for fear that he'd enjoy feeding me to their appetites.

Good Advice Becomes a Bad Reality

Keith Chupnick's older brother told him to think about their mom in order to last longer when he was having sweet, virginity destroying, prom night sex. Then his date showed up wearing a dress that was horribly similar to his mother's night gown, flooding his mind with oedipal thoughts all enchanted night.

Souls Intertwined - Seamless Denim Embrace

Our love pours from our souls into a quivering pool of passion. We swim together naked, 'neath the unbroken denim waves. Tis the only thing that keeps our erotic embrace from melting down.

Prom Theme: Lurking in the Bushes

Everyone thought the prom theme was a little weird, and didn't know what to make of it. Everyone but Jeremy, whose psycho ex was head of the prom committee.

Hey Girl, Don't Do It.

"Hey sugar pop, don't go and marry this boy. You're too fine to shut it down like that. I now pronounce you, my white kitten."

The Trials of a Secret Agent

Neville Thompson just saved the world from destruction, but he has a bone to pick with the Weapons and Supplies department back at HQ. He doesn't expect them to serve up James Bond style gadgets and cars, but this combo of vehicle, outfit and disguised weapon was just ridiculous.

Eastlake HS Prom - Sponsored by VO5

Maybe everyone was coked out, but you'd have thought that during slow dances, guys and girls in the 80s would have noticed that each other's hair looked the same... and equally bad.

Critical Teen Transition Years

Adolescence is a period of dramatic change for a Teen. These two seedlings teeter on the razors edge between blossoming and turning out to just be weeds. I should wait to see the end results of their pituitary architect, but I'm compelled to toss Round-Up on them.

He Even Torments Himself

Teased mercilessly for his weight and his bastard red hair, Steve Tompkins has not only suffered irreparable emotional damage from his peers, but has adopted their taunts into his own self image, fueling a spiral of bad life choices such as: joining band, telling on kids, secret donuts, and Disney fandom.

Dream/Nightmare Come True

Your average person with even a mild interest in TV and movies gets great pleasure from the once in a lifetime opportunity to meet a star. The experience is great, spending a fleeting moment with a fabulous superstar. But imagine the inverse relationship, where the superstar has to spend a vomit inducing moment with you.

His Date Left a Vapor Trail

Having fulfilled her obligation to "go to the dance" with Chester, as payment for a semester of Algebra tutoring, Becky Rothschild fled moments before the camera could permanently link the pair at Homecoming '92.

Two Halves of the Same Heart

True love just fits perfectly, whether for a fleeting moment, or a lifetime together. Sometimes love fits perfectly, because it's the last piece in the box, so you pretty much have to mash it in to finish the love puzzle. And really, who are you to complain, you're a hideous mullet wearing piece of white trash.

Art Mocks Life

This artistic photoshop is an hilarious commentary on how Barry Bonds went from skinny kid to a giant headed, steroid fueled home run machine. But alas I know it's just a forgery, for I own this Topps baseball card and this is not the actual photo, and despite his dubious baseball achievements, this card isn't worth the drugs you can snort off it.

Better to Alter Than Return

Your Senior Prom is a once in a lifetime event. You planned your outfit for months or years. So unless you're spoiled rich, you have to make due with what you've got, regardless of  when you are due. Though one might point out that traditionally you're supposed to lose your virginity ON Prom night, not a random Wednesday in January.

Feel the Music, Move With the Crowd

"Heavy Metal" is supposed to refer to the strength of the music, the power of the chords and the depth of the lyrics. Heavy is supposed to be an abstract adjective. It's supposed to be, but then literal takes a dive off the stage.

Social or Genetic Based?

While some closed-minded conservatives cling to the notion that homosexuality is a social choice, I think this father-son duo clearly demonstrates that it's a genetic trait. Besides, if people had the ability to choose whether or not to be gay, they would all pick cherry flavored.

Following the Nic Cage Life Outline

You can fight your way up the stream of life, getting sucked into whirlpools and hooked by shoreline anglers. Or, you can swim in the wake of movie superstar Nicolas Cage. Step one, bone a Valley Girl.

Fashion-He-stas

Most of us search for our true talents within the prescribed social boundaries within which we were born. Sex, class, geographic custom, all control what we grow up to be. These three were raised on a secluded compound of lesbian fashion models. It's a shame, they could have been welders.

The Brave Crown of Buns

It is said that in ancient Mesopotamia, the bravest warriors would go into battle with helmets made of bread. They did so to thumb their nose at danger, asserting that their bravery and warrior skill were enough to protect them. They didn't have assault rifles and explosives in ancient Mesopotamia... but the fool hearted still wear the buns.

Thank God It's a Dude

Rod is pretty ugly for a chick, though to be fair, he's pretty ugly for a dude too. However, he's found that dressing like a chick makes him more attractive as a dude, with his looks enhanced by the sense of relief that he's not a chick.

Death and Adonis Go for a Walk

"Will my beauty let me live forever?"
"No, nothing can escape me. Death is every man's destiny."
"But my beauty transcends gender, so I'm not really a man."
"I meant men like humans. God you're fucking dumb."

You're My Dream... Person

There are lots of traits that can be desired in one's soul mate: intelligence, humor, beauty, strength, honesty, really just endless. Be warned though, you must find a reasonable balance of traits, too many and you get a gigantic man-woman soul mate.

Walt Disney Gets Pantsed

As part of the on-going friendly feud between Warner Brothers and Disney studios in the 1950's, Walt is pictured moments after Bugs Bunny pantsed the crap out of him. Unfortunately, the returning salvo launched by Dopey Dwarf led to Daffy's signature speech impediment.

Whiplash Couture

It supports your neck to prevent further spinal injury, but what it really supports is your high-fashion sense. The open knit provides a sexy reveal of a stunning blouse, beautiful lingerie, or your naked body. Be bold, let the world devour your pasty middle aged body with their eyes.

Gary's Business is Venereal Disease

"Business" is a term that's abused fairly regularly. Chuck Norris beards, suggested cocked hips, and pay phones are not "business". Even in the '70s they weren't signs of success.
"Gary - Getting Down to the Unemployment Office"

Overzealous Vacation Photographs

"So this is the flash, and then you push here to take the picture."
Wanting to capture every moment of their week in the Keys, Pete and Trish took every photo op that presented itself, good, bad, and even dead guy on the beach bad.

No Matter How You Draw Him, He-Man Looks Gay

You'd think fur underwear would be both comfortable and hetero-tough, but it's pretty gay. A tiny chest plate with no shirt is pretty gay too. So are princely hair cuts, riding on tigers and hanging out with dudes with "man" in their names. Secret lives, evil bone villains, moral lessons, Orko... all fucking gay.

So This is "Happily Ever After?"

"Hey Gary, is this what you imagined for us on our wedding day? Sitting on the porch, fat, broke, and waiting for the government to either save us or kill us?"
"Shut up woman, its a nice day."
"No it aint Gary. It's never a nice day."

Why Wedding Photos Cost So Much

They charge you for the time, their photography skill, and of course the photos themselves. But in those itemized costs are the hidden charges for having to put up with your wasted friends.

Playing God

You might wonder why man thought they could improve upon what God had created with this poor poodle. But then you have to realize that man bred the poodle into existence in the first place. Then you might reflect about all the other ways men have harnessed and twisted God's gifts, and how weird it is when they pick and choose what to get upset about... like abortion. Cause this dog is an abortion, but there are no religious nuts bombing dog groomers.

This Just Encourages Pervs

The world is full of gropy pervs, running around pinching and rubbing up against and sometimes flashing their dongs. There's also guys who are within the range of decency, who still fight urges to do pervy things. This cute top definitely sends the wrong message and lowers social barriers to "bad touch".

Take Five, then Back to Marauding

I rape and pillage more villages before noon, than most armies do all day. Marauding is a tough gig, and us barbarians never get enough credit. Well, except Conan, man that guy was good. Okay, gotta go stick a half dozen heads on spikes.